U is for Unique

The other day, a friend remarked how I wasn’t just like the rest of the gang. “You are a little too childish, a little too outspoken, a little too messy,” she went on…“that’s not classy at all and neither attractive, you must change”

 Yeah, I’m a ‘little too’ of all of that. I like being myself, I hate pretense, and I hate people who pretend!

 I like to eat with my hands, and don’t really make a big deal if what I’m eating happens to accidentally drip down my chin, especially if I have been enjoying eating it! That doesn’t make me any less lady-like, does it?

I like to line my eyes with kohl, even if I’m home alone, I like to dress up for myself, and no one else, and wear what I like to wear, and not what people think I should be wearing! So that doesn’t make me less classy. In fact, I think, being classy is not just about the clothes, it is about the respect you have for yourself and for others.

 I’m not a rebel, I’m usually law abiding, even if I’m the only one waiting at the signal, when it is red! (That’s happened couple of times before…people breeze past even as the light has just turned from green to red, but not me!) They may think I’m weird, but I like to stand up when I hear the national anthem being played, wherever I may be at that time. Does that make me a nutcase?

I don’t wait for someone else to initiate conversation; I am at ease talking to strangers as I would be with friends…does that make me any less attractive?

I don’t think it is funny to have fun at someone else expense, and no, just because I said it in as many words, doesn’t make me childish…. In fact I never thought it was mature enough to do so anyway!

And yeah, it’s ok if they call me a unique piece, because I know I am unique! Actually we all are…! Why die copying each other when you are born unique?

Every print of thumb is unique,

And so is every snowflake,

I’d rather be myself and be proud,

Than being someone fake!

T is for Trust....

Does trusting people come easily to you? Can you blindly place your trust on people? Or are you the type who would not trust even your shadow? Are you the kind of person who would insist on verifying everything before you trust? Whichever category you might belong to, how important do you think this thing called trust is?

Studies show that trust is one of the most important attribute of human existence. If we can live as a community, it is only due to the mutual trust we have on each other. This begins early in life, when we are kids; we trust our parents and people around us to keep us safe and healthy. When a father throws his child in the air, the child trusts his father to catch him back. He might not have a moment of doubt what would happen if his father failed to catch him. When you are admitted in the hospital for a surgery, you place your trust on the doctor to treat you successfully, if you didn’t, you would not let yourself even be anaesthetized!! You fall in love and you marry, and there couldn’t be a bigger gamble than that. But you trust your partner to love you and be with you for life. So that’s how important trust is, and our brains are hardwired to trust.

But this is not always the case. But what happens when you trust someone and that trust is broken? Can you heal yourself and trust again? If I had to answer that question, I trusted people too easily. I didn’t think someone would cheat me ever, because I did not cheat anyone. I believed people were being as frank as I was with them. Of course you know where I am getting to, don’t you? This naivety and being all that trustful was the biggest mistake I could have made…..or so I thought! Not only did it hurt me in all the wrong places, it also took my trust out of trusting people! Was I wrong in trusting people then? Probably yes, probably no…

There are different areas in our brain that deal with this issue of trust differently. One part of the brain is wired to trust, but there is also another area of our brain that is wired to logically think over things. It is the part that helps us to reason out things and then allow us to trust. Going back to the earlier example, how did the child learn to trust? The child being in close contact with the parent on a daily basis, has learnt to trust his parent. Why did you trust your doctor? By checking out the doctor’s credentials and by verifying his success details, and perhaps talking to some patient he has treated successfully in the past, you have learnt to trust yourself to him. How did you know your partner was right for you? Before you married, you must have put your better half through a lot of tests, some upfront, some subconsciously, to know if he is right for you. That means, we do use logical thinking before we trust someone.

If that is the case, why did trusting someone hurt me? Did I not verify? Did I not use my logical side of the brain? The answer is - how much ever we try to use logic, there a lot of times when we rely on our hearts and not on our minds to make decisions for us. And the decisions made by the heart stand as much a chance of being wrong as the decisions made by the mind, using logical thinking. In spite of years of trusting, there is still that tiny chance that the parent might just miss grabbing the child in time…or the highly successful surgeon may mess up your case….or the partner you were so confident of, dumps you at some stage!!

So do you trust or do you not? I would say, keep your trust intact. Keep your faith in people intact. A few bad cases of misplaced trust shouldn’t be a deterrent in breaking your trust in the entire humankind.

S is for Smile....

Anyone will vouch for the power of smiles! It is one of those contagious little things that you can catch anywhere and when you do, you also pass it around inadvertently. On our morning walks we meet strangers on the jogging track, people whom we see every day at the same place but have never stopped to talk to, yet we smile at each other with a nod of the head that is supposed to mean good morning! And over a period of time it feels like you know practically everyone! A smile is that powerful weapon, with which you can break even ice!!

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love. Let me share a few lines from this wonderful poem that says it all-

Sometimes you don't find the right words for certain situations, but in such situations a smile can speak a lot. Words have this ability to confuse, but smiles have this ability to convince. So take time out to smile.....even at a stranger......someone out there may be in desperate need of it.....you never know whom you have brought happiness with your smile. 

R is for Relationships....

We come into this world alone and we leave it alone. And in between, we get into relationships, some beautiful and some ugly. On one hand, there are relationships that teach us to love, share, bond, and trust, and on the other, there are relationships that teach us to choose wisely, by hitting us where we’d hurt the most. Good or bad, we need these relationships to make our existence in the world meaningful. Relationships will not grow by themselves, and like plants, they need to be nurtured. Here are five pairs of spokes that I think keeps the wheels of relationships going-

Trust and Honesty- Trust is the most important factor in a healthy relationship. A relationship is the weakest when there is more doubt than trust. Trust is as important to a relationship as air to the lungs. It is not easy to rebuilding trust when it has been broken. There’s a saying which says, trust is like a cup delicate and fragile, once broken can be mended, but the crack will always be there. And that is why it is also important to be honest and truthful.

Communication and dumping your ego - Lack of communication kills more relationships than any argument or fights can. Talking things out clears so many issues, but for some strange reason, people would rather stay quiet than communicate.  Body language is also an important mode of non verbal communication. A good hug, a reassuring pat, an understanding nod, a loving gaze…there are so many ways to communicate. So even if it is uneasy or uncomfortable, keep all doors to communicating open. The ego always comes in between a good relationship, so skip the E and let it GO! Turn the “M” in ME upside down so it always reads WE. When there is no ego, it opens the doors to communication.

Love and Respect- You always get respect when you give respect. And with respect comes love. When things are bitter in a relationship, it is difficult to respect the other person and what they say. And that is when we tend to speak disrespectfully and hurtfully. But most fights end some day, the bitter words may be forgotten, but how you made someone feel, will never be forgotten.  

Understanding and patience- Agree that you will not have similar opinions about everything, and will disagree more than you will ever agree. When there is disagreement the floodgates of anger open up and we tend to say so many things that we wouldn’t have if we had been patient. Just like no two fingers are the same, no two people are the same, and so opinions will always differ. Being patient lets us understand the other can think differently, and this understanding makes relationships last longer.

Forgive and forget- To err is human, to forgive divine, it is said. Easier said than done. No one’s perfect, and mistakes do happen. But when the relationship is more important than the mistake, it would do good to forgive and forget, not as a rule though.

Q is for Quiet

If you close your eyes and just try to listen to your surroundings, all you can hear are noises. Vehicles buzzing past, people talking, machines running, and if all this was enough, your own mind talking at about 35-40 thoughts per minute or an astounding 70,000 thoughts per day!!

No wonder we are caught in a very noisy world! What life has to say is drowned out mercilessly in all that noise. The more the noise, the more the chaos.

It would be nice to have a little quiet then, isn't it? By quiet I don’t mean silence. Silence would mean pushing the ‘off’ button, quiet means just turning down the volume knob on life. Quiet is peace. It is tranquility.  When you are quiet, you can hear life speak. Spending quiet time alone, gives our mind an opportunity to renew itself and create order. We can feel a surge of self-awareness, calm, and an awakening of our inner energies. When inner energies wake up, they work miracles without us having to put any efforts at all.

 Meditation is one powerful tool to help quieten the mind. Meditating everyday helps to control your thoughts and revitalizes your body.  It helps you be more aware of what you are thinking. You don’t need to become a saint and meditate for long hours each day, you can begin with just 5 to 10 minutes per day and see how incredibly powerful this is.

There will be initial hurdles when you begin to meditate, but by making it a daily habit, you will not only be able to stick to it, but also enjoy the therapeutic benefits it has on your life.

1. You can choose the time and place most appropriate for you, and ensure that you stick to that time every single day. Early mornings are the best times for some quality tranquillity.

2. You don’t have to sit, you may choose to lie down and meditate too.

3.  Start with deep breathing and notice how the air fills your lungs and how it flows out.

4.  Thoughts keep flowing into your mind, and you will be amazed at the number of thoughts you have. You don’t have to try and stop your thoughts; just let them flow, but concentrate on your breathing.

5. Gradually, over a period of time, you will find random thoughts disappearing and you will start focussing on thoughts most important to you. As time progresses, even these thoughts will disappear and the mind will be in a meditative state and the mind would have leaned to be quiet.

6. Initially you can meditate for 5-10 minutes and increase the time when you are comfortable.

It is a good idea to have some quiet time for yourself. Learning to quieten your mind has a lot of health benefits. You will find an increased ability to concentrate, more aware of your own self, your thoughts and your feelings, you will find your anxiety levels decreasing, and overall there will be a general feeling of well being.