Saturday, December 27, 2014

Tension of opposites...

I wear my heart on my sleeve,
That’s the way I am,
And you keep your thoughts hidden,
The guessing drives me insane!!
I would want to scream from the rooftops,
And let the whole world know,
What you mean to me,
And why I love you so.
You wear that cloak of secrecy,
And keep me in the blue,
I wonder if you let yourself in,
Or are kept wondering too!
I wish you'd say you love me too,
Wouldn't that be really nice?
Wonder what you’d say to that?
I know you’d roll your eyes!
It makes you feel trapped,
What liberates my heart and me,
I wonder if these emotions,
Are so alien to thee?
I'm hanging on to nothing,
To what can never be,
A juxtaposition of thoughts,
But that is who is me!
This tension of opposites,
Has me tied up in knots,
Breaks me into a thousand fragments,
And yet, adding up to naughts.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014


In to your soothing hands
I offered,
myself, entrusting
your heart,
to beat as one with mine,
hoping the rhythm of your body,
takes me to the altissimo
and entwines me in an enharmonic interval
before the chords explode 
into earth shattering beats
sending me into rapturous rhapsodies
and the heart into deep content,
lost in your covenant to be merged
into one, and become
ethereal and eternal.


The  percussion ceases,
even before it climaxes
the cymbals, the timpani and the tambourine fall silent,
I watch helplessly
as the chords plummet
and fall to their deaths
a double bar silences me even before
we could
Quaver and crotchet, Stave and clef
the covenant shattered
the duet scattered
dreams lying in the shards
broken not by the treble
but the Judas kiss
and now all is still
it is in this quietude
that I must drown
myself and
that inner voice of mine.

(Inspired by the character of the muse in Rangrasiya)

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Here's to Goodbye's and to New Beginnings!

The last two months have been enormously exhilarating and at the same time exhausting. They have brought in a lot of emotions and excitement. I could not imagine experiencing two contrasting feelings at the same time. But the mixed bag of sentiments just washed over me like a wave, drowning me in its entirety.

Goodbyes are tough. It was tougher for me. 

I left Nagpur more than 15 years ago. A new job, a marriage and all that comes with it, took me away from the only place I have ever called home. But with my parents staying at Nagpur, I could go back anytime I wanted. It was my parental home, a home I had grown up in, a home that was full of memories...Going back had always filled me with happiness. There was a palpable excitement every time I saw that familiar yellow board at the railway station that said "Nagpur Jn". It always read 'Welcome Back' to me. And then trying to locate Dad in the ocean of humanity, and feeling the rush of warmth as soon he was spotted, had the ability to turn me to a child! The thrill of jumping into his arms, oblivious to the people around, receiving that warm hug from Mom and then riding back home looking at all the familiar landmarks, marveling at how much had changed in between, was incomparable! The home itself was a storehouse of memories! Every room, every wall, and even every piece of furniture had some memory attached to it. 

With my parents getting older, I wanted them to be closer to me, so after a lot of cajoling (read that as 10 years of convincing) they finally agreed to move to Bangalore. If it was tough for me, it was tougher for them, leaving behind a home, and leaving behind people with whom you have lived for 50 years is never easy. As we relived our moments, went through flashbacks, met old friends, had farewell lunches and dinners, we were on an emotional roller coaster. But nothing compares to my thoughts that night after all the baggage had been packed and dispatched and we slept in an empty house for one last night. The thought of bidding goodbye to that home forever, where I have spent the best part of my childhood was devastating. The thought of never being able to come back to that home again was depressing. It was like leaving behind a part of you, a slice of yourself and relegating it to history. 

What is it about goodbyes that make them so tough? Maybe it is the thought of separation and the uncertainty of reunion that makes it a misty eyed affair. Maybe it hurts, because we all hate to let go. Maybe that's what makes them so incredibly hard.

Someone gave us a card that said, "Don't be sad that you have to say Goodbye. Be happy because you will have happy memories that you will cherish forever." So true. Because that is all we left Nagpur with. A truckload of lovely memories. 

Goodbye Nagpur....and thanks for the abundant memories...the loads of love...the warmth of our home...the affection of the people...and everything in between!!! You will be my home always...wherever I might stay!!

As much as the goodbye was painful, the excitement of having my parents closer is undeniably amazing! I spent the better part of the last week, sauntering in and out of my parents' home here, attracting hubby's jealous jibes, much to my amusement. My kids can't have enough of their grandparents and neither can my parents have enough of the grand kids! From having to be content with enjoying mom's mouth watering delicacies just once a year, I can now just walk in and be treated to all the wonderful food she cooks anytime I wish to. Not to mention the relief of the immense moral support we will be to each other. 

So here's raising a toast to the lovely old endings and the hope-filled new beginnings!! May the new bring as much joy, as much happiness, be as filled with amazing memories, and be as satisfying as the old!! 


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