Sunday, December 2, 2012

From the diary of a nobody.....

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 34; the thirty-fourth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The theme for the month is "Of-Course, I'm insane"


Of course, I am insane.

How else will I explain my inglorious life to my maker? Can I tell HIM I was too naïve to know the difference between a murderer and a martyr? Can I tell HIM that I was just another rootless, jobless desperado who was willing to kill in the name of religion? How will I explain the blood on my hands, that of countless innocent victims, whom I slaughtered in the name of my maker? Will HE understand that all of this was for a starving, naked, roofless family? That family, which now disowns me...

Disowned by my country, shunned by my village and forgotten by my family, this is not how I wanted to live and die. I did not want to be wasted like this, disenfranchised, impoverished, uneducated and frustrated, with nothing at stake and no one to call my own. Becoming nothing but a mere puppet!

When I was a kid, I never saw a puppet show. I never played with puppets or had any interest in them. Maybe if I had, I would have known what it is like to be pulled on a string.  I've never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything.  But the moment when you let someone run your life is the moment when you have become a puppet in someone else's world. I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, and a pawn; I've been up and down and over and out, and I know one thing now; my existence was absolutely worth nothing!

I wonder if my father got the piece of land and the pot of gold that lured me here. I wonder if my sisters have been able to get married and my mother cured of her ailments. I wonder if they know I will be dead as dawn breaks.

Now as I lie down shifting uneasily, I pray that the dawn never breaks. I can smell death around the corner. It is sneaking in and its all encompassing laughter terrifies me. No one can confidently say that he will be living tomorrow, but to know that I will actually not be is unnerving. I was trained to be unafraid, so I wonder why I am? Then I realize I am not as afraid of death as I am of meeting my maker...

While I thought I was learning how to live, I was actually learning how to die. And now I can only hope Death releases me from the impressions of the senses, and from desires that made me their puppets, from the vagaries of the mind, and from the hard service of the flesh. I hope that from my rotting body, flowers shall grow and lovely blue butterflies shall flutter around and I am in them and that will be eternity.

As I try not to think of how my body will jerk violently as the noose tightens around my neck and how I will feel the breath ebb slowly out of my body, I wonder, ‘Was I really insane?’

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. Introduced By: BLOGGER NAME, Participation Count: 01

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