Monday, January 11, 2016

Finding closure...

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Like time suspended,
        a wound unmended-
        you and I.
We had no ending,
       no said goodbye.
For all my life,
      I’ll wonder why.
~Lang Leav

Indeed, relationships are tricky. Broken relationships are trickier. But relationships that end without a closure, are the trickiest. 

A couple of weeks ago, I dropped by to meet a close friend. Evidently, she had been crying, perhaps for hours, her eyes swollen and red. Her boyfriend, whom she had been dating for the past 4 years, got someone else. But that was not what was hurting her. He did not even bother to let her know. He had been avoiding her calls and had not met her for a couple of months, but she had not suspected him of having dumped her. Without any warning, he just went ahead and got married to someone else. Apparently, his family didn't approve. But it was cruel the way he let go of her. 

Whether you were in a relationship for two months or two years, broken relationships are difficult to get over. But having a heart to heart chat with the significant other, before you part ways, can help you with coping. It makes you realise what went wrong in your relationship. It also lets you know, that you weren’t entirely at fault. It helps you accept the fact that things are really over between the two of you. You don’t keep looking back, and it makes moving on, easier.

But how do you cope when there’s been no closure? What if your partner just moved on without as much as a goodbye? Nothing could be worse than that. But it does happen an awful lot of times. Can you sit around moping, forever? Definitely not! In such a situation, the responsibility of learning to let go and finding closure becomes all yours. Here are some ways you can find closure-

1. Vent your feelings-

Never bottle up your feelings. Bottled feelings can make you bitter, depressed and teary. Talking about it could help. Perhaps you could talk to a friend or a relative. If talking isn’t helping, try writing. It could be a goodbye letter to your partner. Without holding back your feelings, pour out everything you feel. You don’t have to ever send that letter to your partner. Bury it, burn it or just confine it to some place where you will never find it again. Writing can be cathartic. It helps you release your anger, frustration and tensions.  

2. Clear out the memories-

Most of the times, we like to keep revisiting our past. But it could depress you more as you look at gifts they’ve given you. Sometimes it could be tempting to stalk them on social media, just to find how they are doing. And then you find out they are doing well, and it depresses you even more. It could get tempting to try and get back in touch. To ask for that one chance to be back in their lives.

But STOP! Don’t EVER do that.

You will end up hurting no one but yourself. If your partner wanted to get back, they would never have slithered off without a clue. So don’t go begging.

You could benefit from clearing off those memories instead. Donate the gifts. Better still throw them away. Unfriend them on social media, delete the chats, email ids, pictures, and whatever reminds you of them. Leave no temptation which could make you crawl back to them again. Don’t succumb to responding to their mails unless it is for a closure.

3. Let go-

Believe that everything happened for a reason. Remember that bitter endings give birth to beautiful beginnings. Instead of nursing negative emotions, treat yourself to positive ones. Be thankful for the relationship and lessons it taught you. Nurturing animosity can only make you bitter. Being thankful can help you let go.

Forgive your partner. Forgiveness is the best medicine.

4. Keep yourself busy-

An idle mind, they say, is the devil’s workshop. Couldn’t be truer!

Keep yourself busy. Take up a hobby. Travel. Make new friends.

The mind is like wet clay. It will believe what you tell it. It will mould how you shape it. Tell it that you are unhappy and it will believe you. Tell it otherwise and you’ll see.

5. Give yourself time-

Time is the best healer. A year from now, maybe five, these times will look like a distant dream. The pain never does really go away, but it does fade and the wounds will heal. You must ensure to help yourself though. You cannot keep scratching your wounds and wonder why they didn’t heal.

In spite of all this, there might be nights when you’ll still break down and cry. Don’t hold yourself back. Let your emotions flow out. But once the tears have dried up, tell yourself that you are stronger. And that, this too shall pass.

It will. Trust me. 

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Book Review: Against all Rules- Summerita Rhayne

Summerita Rhyane’s 'Against All Rules', is one huge ball of passion, coated with a generous dose of erotica and romance! The story set in the backdrop of an office brings together a PA, Samara, who harbours a secret crush towards her boss, Tahir, who by the way, is in no mood for another relationship, except the one that begins and ends in bed, while she dreams of a life together. Our heroine will accept no less and the hero will give no more. What follows is a virtual tug of war- of raw emotions, unmanifested desires, and the struggle to stay and keep the self and the other in control. How the protagonists manage to come to terms with their inner demons and let love into their lives forms the base of the story.

Every time the couple come together, sparks fly and hearts melt, your own heart beats wildly and as you want the fire in their kiss to lead to something more, but there’s always a conflict that douses the fire and you are left wanting more! (Can you imagine a panting dog, tongue hanging out, dripping with saliva? Yeah, that’s what I meant!)  The writing is very good and you can almost feel that sensual tension between the couple and when they finally get together, it is difficult to not let out a sigh of relief! Phew!

The intimate scenes between the couple are hot (really hot!), very sensually written, but definitely not vulgar. The language is faultless though the beginning chapters have some repetitive phrases. The scenes are very vivid and one can easily imagine them as they read on. The writing flows beautifully though the end might be a little predictable. But then again, isn’t ‘happily ever after’, the only way we want our love stories to end? 

The blurb:
Samara knows getting attracted to Tahir is asking for trouble. He is her boss, he's got divorced recently and really, she should be concentrating on her career. In any case, embittered by his failed marriage, he has sworn off any commitment. All he wants is short term and that is NOT on her list. But has temptation ever been stronger? 
Tahir doesn't want his office protocol disturbed. But Samara might just make him make an exception! When she finds him drunk one evening, things heat up between them. A temporary affair seems a solution to this inconvenient attraction but it's hard to make his PA think along the same lines as he does. 
In office and out of it, their codes govern their lives but rules are now having a face-off with desire. 
...when the fire is set, it's hard to avoid the blaze.

Title: Against All Rules
Author- Summerita Rhyane
Number of pages- 234
Available on Amazon , both as Paperback and on Kindle
My Rating- 4/5

Monday, January 4, 2016

Having your cake and eating it too...

I had been meaning to lose weight.

I had also been meaning to hit the gym.

From tomorrow.

That tomorrow never came.

I know that sounds familiar! Whether it is exercising, cleaning your closet (which by the way, would have become a must-do-immediately from the can-postpone-it-for-a-few-days thing!) or writing that book you have been meaning to, somehow, things never seem to get done! So why aren’t you able to get things done?

Is your enemy ‘Procrastination’?

“Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday”.
~ Napoleon Hill.

Aren’t we experts in putting off everything until ‘tomorrow’, or the ‘next available free time’, or ‘the minute you can get your hands off whatever you are doing at present’? Like someone said, tomorrow is that mystical land where 99% of human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored! Of course, that time never comes! 

People procrastinate for various reasons- it could be laziness, resistance (not wanting to conform to external evaluation), lack of skill or know-how, boring stuff (yeah! How much fun can cleaning your closet be?), or lack of motivation. The main reason however continues to be fear. The fear of failing even before you begin makes you delay the task indefinitely. Perhaps, perfectionism could be a reason for the fear of failure. Another reason could be not having enough confidence on your own abilities, or setting unrealistic goals for yourself.

So here's how you can have your cake and eat it too...I mean, setting goals and sticking to them...

Get over that Laziness.

“Tomorrow is the only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man!” ~ Jimmy Lyons.

Do you have goals that don’t inspire you enough? Perhaps it is time to re-set your goals then.

Is there a health concern? Aren’t getting enough sleep, or are you overworked? Adjust your schedule, then.

Do you wish you had someone to help you out? Get help!

Find out what’s behind your laziness, and in all probability there’s a solution to it. Well, if there’s no real reason except that you are plain lazy, here’s a cheat trick- use the carrot method. Place a reward for yourself at the end of the job to be done. Get on to the job immediately and reward yourself soon after. Sometimes that is the only thing that’ll work!

Who wants to do all that Boring stuff?
Lack of interest is one reason why people don’t get things done. There’s no cure to this really. But you can add something fun to go with it, just to take the load off the boring part. Cleaning the closet is boring, so play some fun music and dance along as you put things in order. You’ll be surprised to see how quickly you can function!

Are your goals unrealistic?

When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” ~ Confucius

Most of the times we create unrealistic goals for ourselves and then the final target looks so far and unreachable that we put off doing it forever! Instead of telling yourself that you need to lose 20 kilos, and then convincing yourself that it is just not possible, break down your goals into smaller achievable ones.  Achieving smaller goals is easier and it automatically motivates you to get on with the next goal.

Get rid of that fear-
Fear of failure is one of the biggest reasons why we are unable to get things done. What if I fail is scarier than not doing it at all. What if my book is a failure? So let me not write it. I’d say, go ahead and do it. Do it for yourself.

There's no need to be perfect.
Perfectionism is another reason why we keep putting off things. If you keep waiting till everything is perfectly in order for you to begin, rest assured that will never happen. If you keep waiting to do things perfectly, that is not going to happen either. You will never be completely ready. There will never be uninterrupted time, or the right time. You have to realise that the right time is ‘Now’.

Have a 'don't care' attitude.
Judgement by others is also a reason why we keep postponing things infinitely. What will someone think will surely sink your chance to get anything done! Don’t wait for someone else’s approval, or fear judgement of others. I’m 50 and I want to learn salsa, but what will my family think? Will they laugh at me? And so you put it away from your thoughts. Do you really want to let others judgement keep you away from living your life?  

Trust yourself. 
Lack of confidence also leads to procrastination. Having faith on your abilities starts with having realistic goals and not overwhelming yourself. Knowing what you can handle will give you a clear idea of what you can do. Convince yourself that the main reason you decided to do something is because you know you can and you want to. Trust your skills. Or equip yourself with skills if you feel you lack something. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to fail.

Don’t forget that time runs out faster than you think. You will never ‘find’ time for anything, you will have to make it yourself. So don’t let unnecessary ideas and unfruitful thoughts cripple you. Make the best use of it and get moving.

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