Monday, January 11, 2016

Finding closure...

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Like time suspended,
        a wound unmended-
        you and I.
We had no ending,
       no said goodbye.
For all my life,
      I’ll wonder why.
~Lang Leav

Indeed, relationships are tricky. Broken relationships are trickier. But relationships that end without a closure, are the trickiest. 

A couple of weeks ago, I dropped by to meet a close friend. Evidently, she had been crying, perhaps for hours, her eyes swollen and red. Her boyfriend, whom she had been dating for the past 4 years, got someone else. But that was not what was hurting her. He did not even bother to let her know. He had been avoiding her calls and had not met her for a couple of months, but she had not suspected him of having dumped her. Without any warning, he just went ahead and got married to someone else. Apparently, his family didn't approve. But it was cruel the way he let go of her. 

Whether you were in a relationship for two months or two years, broken relationships are difficult to get over. But having a heart to heart chat with the significant other, before you part ways, can help you with coping. It makes you realise what went wrong in your relationship. It also lets you know, that you weren’t entirely at fault. It helps you accept the fact that things are really over between the two of you. You don’t keep looking back, and it makes moving on, easier.

But how do you cope when there’s been no closure? What if your partner just moved on without as much as a goodbye? Nothing could be worse than that. But it does happen an awful lot of times. Can you sit around moping, forever? Definitely not! In such a situation, the responsibility of learning to let go and finding closure becomes all yours. Here are some ways you can find closure-

1. Vent your feelings-

Never bottle up your feelings. Bottled feelings can make you bitter, depressed and teary. Talking about it could help. Perhaps you could talk to a friend or a relative. If talking isn’t helping, try writing. It could be a goodbye letter to your partner. Without holding back your feelings, pour out everything you feel. You don’t have to ever send that letter to your partner. Bury it, burn it or just confine it to some place where you will never find it again. Writing can be cathartic. It helps you release your anger, frustration and tensions.  

2. Clear out the memories-

Most of the times, we like to keep revisiting our past. But it could depress you more as you look at gifts they’ve given you. Sometimes it could be tempting to stalk them on social media, just to find how they are doing. And then you find out they are doing well, and it depresses you even more. It could get tempting to try and get back in touch. To ask for that one chance to be back in their lives.

But STOP! Don’t EVER do that.

You will end up hurting no one but yourself. If your partner wanted to get back, they would never have slithered off without a clue. So don’t go begging.

You could benefit from clearing off those memories instead. Donate the gifts. Better still throw them away. Unfriend them on social media, delete the chats, email ids, pictures, and whatever reminds you of them. Leave no temptation which could make you crawl back to them again. Don’t succumb to responding to their mails unless it is for a closure.

3. Let go-

Believe that everything happened for a reason. Remember that bitter endings give birth to beautiful beginnings. Instead of nursing negative emotions, treat yourself to positive ones. Be thankful for the relationship and lessons it taught you. Nurturing animosity can only make you bitter. Being thankful can help you let go.

Forgive your partner. Forgiveness is the best medicine.

4. Keep yourself busy-

An idle mind, they say, is the devil’s workshop. Couldn’t be truer!

Keep yourself busy. Take up a hobby. Travel. Make new friends.

The mind is like wet clay. It will believe what you tell it. It will mould how you shape it. Tell it that you are unhappy and it will believe you. Tell it otherwise and you’ll see.

5. Give yourself time-

Time is the best healer. A year from now, maybe five, these times will look like a distant dream. The pain never does really go away, but it does fade and the wounds will heal. You must ensure to help yourself though. You cannot keep scratching your wounds and wonder why they didn’t heal.

In spite of all this, there might be nights when you’ll still break down and cry. Don’t hold yourself back. Let your emotions flow out. But once the tears have dried up, tell yourself that you are stronger. And that, this too shall pass.

It will. Trust me. 


  1. Word by word. This was exactly what I did. You scream at each other, cry, vent out or even eat your heads off. But closure in a relation is important. 'cos you need to know when to stop, let go and move on, however hard it might be!

  2. The tips, though practical, still fails to quell the heart. Time is the best healer.

  3. Good pointers. Break ups suck but not knowing why, hurts more. Time does heal. Been there, gone through that.

  4. It is really tricky and a situation that takes ages to heal. Good tips there.

  5. You are right but I also feel that giving as much time as one can need is also important. I had this similar situation with my friend too and we tried to help her as much as we could. But time helped her the most.Your post is so relevant and practical.

  6. Somethings don't heal with time too.. they remain raw because of the way they ended.

    Good post.

  7. Time heals, for sure. But some scars remain, maybe some wounds too. I guess in those moments of pain sometimes we find that inner opening from where some light can enter, ever so slightly. Maybe that's all we need in those moments to keep going.

  8. Oh I feel sorry for the girl (your friend). No, not because the guy left her. I guess, in the long run, she is better off without him. But I feel sorry that she had to go through so much pain for someone else's cowardice.

    This is a cliched saying, but still very true - Time heals all wounds.

    These tips are good and practical.

  9. Ideal advice, SS. I think, especially, the time and space, and keeping yourself active, that helps a lot.

  10. Agreed word by word to it!! It's so important to have a closure to any relationship for that matter because the words unsaid hurt more than the words out in open!

  11. Heart breaks are never easy, be it yourself or some one else. The ones without closure are indeed the most terrible ones to deal with. Hope your friend is feeling better.

  12. What a great post:-) Great tips. To let go is the most important, I think. And to focus on healing and building up a positive life without the other partner. We sometimes have to accept that some people will not contribute with explanations... then it is important to accept that and have closure for ourselves anyway. Move on, he was not worthy of you anyway.... is what I wish I could say to your friend. Sorry for her, 4 years is along time...

  13. I dont know what to say ... it is sad that people who love part


  14. It takes time to move on but how much difficult and pain we go thru that is the only solution to recover. Good post.

  15. Yourself:-Hey, it's amazing, Really useful information. Great work.


At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person..deep gratitude for those who have lighted the flame within me!! your comments will be appreciated..

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