If you are one of those, left blowing the whistle all the
time, frantically pulling out strands of hair from your own head each time
there’s a fight, you’d probably be nodding your head in agreement with me!
Has it ever occurred to you that the first one to complain, always meticulously tips the odds in their favour? How you are almost inclined to
believe everything that they say, coming to a speedy conclusion that the other
one is most definitely wrong? What do you do then? Do you pounce on the other one
who hasn’t been giving a fair chance to put their side forth? Or do you make an
attempt to listen to both sides of the story and then draw your own
conclusions?
As a parent, we are sometimes forced to come to a decision –
who’s right, who’s wrong? And many a time, we succumb. We look at it from the
angle that looks best to us and pronounce our verdict. But that’s where I want
you to pause and reflect.
Is coming to a decision that important? What impact does
pronouncing your verdict have on the morale of the one whose side you have
forsaken? Will it ruin relationships in the long run? If you don’t want to
take sides, is there anything else you can do?
Well, I have been tempted to prove myself to be a fair judge when
it has come to resolving quarrels between my children. But over time, I’ve
found that I have also managed to hurt the other one unwittingly. That’s when I
choose to pause and reflect. And the more I reflect, I also realise that this
applies to every aspect of our relationship – be it a quarrel between spouses,
between family members, between friends, or even at the workplace.
Why should there be a quarrel or fight between two
people?
I’ve always heard my mother tell me, that just as all five
fingers on our hand are different, so are people and their opinions. We are
conditioned differently, we have learned differently, we have different experiences
about life, and we have faced our struggles differently. How then can we think
alike? We are bound to disagree.
But just because we disagree, does one person become right and
the other wrong? Each one is right from their own point of view.
When it comes to siblings, we may argue that they have been
brought up in similar environments, and have had similar life experiences and
struggles, then why the difference? While that is true, how can we forget that they
still continue to be different individuals?
Do personal biases creep in when we are the judge?
We may say, that as parents, we really do not have favourites,
when it comes to our children. While we may not have favourites, we do tend to go
by previous experiences when dealing with our children. The one who has
frequent temper tantrums, the one who habitually lies to escape punishment, the
one who has anger issues, automatically finds odds against them even before the
entire issue has been listened to! How often have we jumped to conclusions like
- ‘The younger one is naughty, it is possible that he broke the vase’, ‘the
elder one is always bossy, it is possible that he hit the little one,’ ‘he is
well behaved all the time, he couldn’t have screamed at his friend.’
When we solve fights between our children and their friends,
the bias becomes pronounced. It is easy to take sides when we know just one of
them – right or wrong, be damned (pardon the language). It is equally true when
are dealing with two people having a disagreement, the weight always tips in favour
of the one we know better.
Are our one-sided decisions ruining relationships?
Definitely. Hearing only one side of the story, means we have
no understanding at all.
I remember reading somewhere that, ‘Too many people speak
after hearing just one side a story. Judging a situation without being there
and knowing the actual facts, ruins lives and relationships. So it is best to
know the full story before attacking someone and making false accusations.’
Profound, right?
I found that whether it is a fight between my children or between
adults, the first storyteller always modifies the story to suit their own agenda
or for their own benefit. In a fight, everyone wants themselves to look innocent
or good. Hardly anyone is going to own up to their own goof-ups.
The little one will sometimes come to me and say, ‘Dada hit me.
I was completing my work, I didn’t do anything.’ Now I know the elder one is the
stronger one, and he has bullied the younger one on some occasions, so do I
lash out at the elder one based on the version given by the younger one? Do I take
him to the task? Would I be right to judge without hearing the other side of the
story?
Accusing someone takes a second, but the impact it has on
their morale is immense. It leaves one with a feeling of not being trusted
enough. It leaves them with an impression of being alone in an unfair world.
And this is as much true for adults as it is for children.
Is being a judge so important?
Children do keep quarreling all the time. the disagreements
are bound to happen. Are we going to be pushed to take on the role of a referee
all the time?
Though thousands of books have been written on parenting,
nothing teaches you to be a good parent except your own experiences! We learn
from our errors and lapses in judgment.
Being a parent has taught me certain things. I’ve learned to
listen to both sides of the argument without any bias in my mind. But most
importantly, I’ve realised that only listening is important; a judgment is totally
unnecessary. I only end up hurting one child if I support the other. No matter
what the situation is, both have their own reasons why they did what they did.
What children need is not to tell them who is right or who is
wrong, but to talk to them about their actions and see if anything could be done
differently. Toning down my angry voice and talking to them calmly, resisting
the urge to say, ‘You shut up and listen to me first,’ and letting them see how
the same situation could have been handled differently, are some things that
have helped me bring a sense of peace in the house.
Just listening to them, or maybe giving them a different perspective,
has worked wonders. In the end, my goal is to make them love each other and
respect each other’s boundaries without overstepping their own. By judging
their actions, by holding them accountable, by hurting their feelings, or by
punishing them, I realise that they are more likely to drift apart, hating each
other rather than knowing that despite the differences, they should have each
other’s best interest at heart.
Can we agree to disagree?
Whether it is at home or at the workplace, it helps to
understand that not everyone can agree with you. They are as entitled to their
opinions as you are to yours. Not agreeing with you does not make them a bad
person, unless someone is doing it out of malice. Is it not possible to coexist
being individuals with diverse opinions, each as unique as the person having
them? Are our opinion and judgment so important that we place them above our relationships
with others?
Can we just agree to disagree? Can we realise that there are indeed two sides to a coin?
Every time we hear that someone has died of suicide, there’s
suddenly a lot of palpable interest in the subject. People gather actively on social media, the status of
the deceased is discussed – was wealth or the lack of it, the cause of this extreme
step? Was it relationships? Was it failure? – the curiosity to know what drives
a person over the edge. Maybe, they are genuinely concerned too. But often, we
forget that even in death, people deserve their privacy.
Then, there are the speculators – blaming circumstances, and
people for the tragedy.
And last but not the least, there are people posting statuses like,
‘I’m just a call away’, ‘Call me if you need to talk’, I’ll be there
for you.’
Noble. Very noble. But pretty pointless.
Wait, don’t fly into a rage, yet!
Because a few days into this tragedy and all is forgotten! It takes
another tragedy of this proportion to get people talking about mental health
and depression, again.
If you are one of those who want to help someone who is depressed so that they don't do something drastic, maybe this post could help.
But first, the question that we often have in our mind...
Is depression real?
Yes! Depression is as real as any other illness.
Don’t belittle someone who is feeling depressed by saying, it’s
all in the mind, why don’t you try meditation, stop thinking about your
problems… no, it doesn’t work that way.
Depression can push people into a state of hopelessness. And when
there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, they might give up. It’s often not just
their life that they want to end, it could be the trauma they are undergoing,
or a feeling of guilt that has overtaken them, or maybe a feeling of
worthlessness that has washed over them.
We live in a society and rejection is something we cannot face.
We want to be accepted in our respective groups. We look for approval, for
appreciation. Being isolated could make one depressed.
How would you know who is depressed?
We could perhaps never put a finger as to who could be
depressed. Depressed people try really hard to look happy in public, so we
wouldn’t know for sure unless we know them personally. Rather they would not
have us know that they are depressed. So that is why I said, putting up statuses, and making
yourself available to talk, is pointless.
Don’t put up a status offering help and consider your job
done. No one is voluntarily going to approach you for help.
Imagine you are worried about something. Whom would you talk
to? Some random stranger who had offered to talk to you if you need an ear? Would
you do that? No?
Then what is the possibility that a person who has had enough
of life, so much that they are contemplating suicide, will call you and talk to
you about it?
So back to the question, you want to help but how would you
know someone is depressed?
Depression does not strike in a day. It’s not like, someone who is
fine one day will suddenly become depressed the next day. Events and small
incidents keep piling up over months, possibly years. When it stretches beyond
tolerable limits, they break down.
Is there anything you can do to help?
Definitely!
1. Look out for people in your circle.
We don’t have to look at strangers asking them if they need help. I don't mean that you shouldn't help strangers. Strangers are not going to open up to anyone randomly.
But, there are enough people around us – our family, our friends, our
employees, our colleagues, our neighbours. Look out for them. Are they going through
a difficult time?
Is there a student at home or in your neighbourhood who is
writing an important exam and feel they might not succeed? Is there a relative
or friend who has lost near and dear ones recently? Is someone facing a financial
crisis? Has someone lost their job recently? Is someone going through post-partum
stress? Has anyone in their family been hospitalised for a long duration? There
could be many more triggers.
Many people do handle all or some of these issues in life and they
do pretty well too. But not everyone is sailing in the same boat.
2. Keep the door open for them.
When someone is already dead, it’s easy to say, had I known, I would have done something. But, most of the time, we turn our backs to them when they are struggling. Maybe it is the fear that we might be asked for financial assistance and we might not be able to provide that. But, there are several ways to get financial assistance, and we could at least show them the way. They just need to know that we know their pain.
If we are dealing with a student who fears failure, they need to be counseled. They must know that the parents will continue to support them no matter what. Extra coaching can be given to help with understanding the lessons. But it is the family who has to anticipate what the child’s requirement is and hold hands from the beginning.
If someone is unable to cope with the loss of a loved one, give them time to heal. Hang along, even if they don't want you to. Cook them meals, take care of their children, or buy them groceries.
If you find they are susceptible to self-harm, help them to get counseling
– either from a doctor or from an understanding family member.
Don’t quote examples from your own life, as tempting as it
might be! It is very demeaning to the person who is already suffering.
If you can’t be bothered to help when there’s time, then don’t
lament when it’s too late.
3. Spend time with them.
If you have committed yourself to help a person during
their tough time, you must know that it is long term commitment. It might take
years of your time. No one can get better in a day or two. So think before you offer help. Don't disappear after promising to be there. This is one major reason why a depressed person will not open up to anyone. It's important to have their trust.
Often, when someone’s depressed, life seems dark. It is difficult to look at the bright side of life when all your mind wants to do, is see the dark side. Listen to them. Don't talk to them about your experiences!
They could need to be reassured that they are good at what they do, they could need to be urged to let go of things that are hurting. You'll know what they need, only if you listen.
4. Teach them to face adversity.
Life is never going to be hunky-dory. All will never be well. There
will be phases when there are bound to be failures, or heartbreaks, or loss, or
grief. Teach them to be brave and tough during such times.
Facing adversity has to be ingrained in children right from childhood. Many parents don't realise this. They get over-protective of their children. They don't let them fall. They use yardsticks to measure success. As a result, the child never learns that it's okay not to succeed all the time. It's important to let our children know that they are not going to win all the time.
To that jittery teen, you could say, ‘Put in your best effort. But
despite that, if you fail, it’s ok. We will pick up the pieces again. we will
try again. We will do something else if this is too difficult.’
A woman going through post-partum stress needs to know that she’s not alone. You could let her know that you understand and will be there to help in whatever way possible instead of ridiculing her for being difficult, or acting weird or telling her that she is more fortunate than women unable to bear children, or wondering what’s wrong with her that she cannot enjoy motherhood! Tell her, ‘It’s ok to not want to hold your baby. I’ll help you take care of it. You eat healthily and take care of yourself.’
5. Avoid the urge to put people down.
Many a time, we might not be able to invest so much time with
a person, especially if they aren’t your close relative or friend. Yet, there’s
a lot that you can do.
Do you think you talk down someone at the workplace? Do you talk
behind the back of your family members? No? Think again.
Everyone is in a game of one-upmanship. Everyone wants to be in the good books of people who matter to us – like a parent, an employer, a teacher, or even the mother-in-law! Subconsciously or purposefully, we might be belittling people all the time.
'X committed this mistake, I rectified it.’
‘Z is such a bad parent.’
'You're not going to fit in that dress!'
'Your brother is smarter than you!'
It may seem insignificant, but over the years, you end up effectively turning your ‘perceived power center’ against the other person. So much, that it starts affecting their confidence, their self-respect, their perception of self-worth. You would have no idea that you have silently been gnawing at their mind while being blissfully unaware of it.
Curb the tendency to talk bad about someone. Stop isolating
someone because they don’t fit into your ideas. Open your mouth only if you
have something good to say about someone.
If someone has committed a mistake, let them know it upfront. If
your motive is to help them learn from their mistake, then, it is them you should
directly be talking to, not everyone else.
There’s a saying, ‘Criticise privately, appreciate openly.’
To summarise…
Pick up the signs. Don’t ignore possible triggers.
Keep communication lines open.
Spend time with people you care about.
Keep them ready to face failure.
Be kind…to everyone. Don’t put people down.
(This is not a self-help post for people suffering from depression. It is for those who want to help, but don't know how to. I hope this helped.)
*Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this post are mine. This post is not a substitute for professional /medical advice.
She had drawn umpteen rainbows while in school. Finely arched lines on a blue sky, seven colours beautifying its outlines, slanting rain drops in the background, a smiling orange sun, its rays scattered all around, birds flying across the rainbow and a few puffy clouds to add to the theatrics...it was always the same. As she had grown up, the smudging had given way to cleaner lines, the blue sky got speckled with grey tones, sometimes, orange and pink too, the clouds became ill-defined and natural, puddles and umbrellas dotted the scene and a whole other paraphernalia came into existence on paper. But the seven coloured rainbow was always a staple on the rain scene.
As she looked at the rainbow today, she noticed for the first time how faint and indistinguishable the colours were from each other, how sepulchral the sky looked even in face of such a joyous moment sweeping across it, how life seemed brighter on one side and darker on the other side of the rainbow and how the rainbow was the brightest just after the rain. There was no orange sun smiling from behind the puffy clouds - just a subtle trace of its presence somewhere, no slanting rain drops and no birds flying across the rainbow. And if she looked closely enough, she could even spot a twin-rainbow.
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| These are my little one's shoes!! |
