Saturday, September 13, 2014

Serial Killers!

Mom’s keenly watching a daily soap. I haven’t watched one in years, and from the recap that mom has so generously given me, I find it interesting. Looks like a good story line. It’s only half an hour, I tell myself. If that means getting time to chat up with mom, even on a pretty useless topic, why not! So I settle down next to her watching what happens next from where she’s left the story. (and by the way, there was no chatting up during that time, I had almost forgotten that opening my mouth was akin to hara-kiri, especially when mom’s watching those soaps!)

Scene one. Bushy eyebrow. And then, slowly the camera pans to the....the...the other bushy eyebrow. He’s supposed to be that mystery man, right? Hmmm….Someone asks a question and the shot is again on our man…I mean, on his bushy eyebrows….he doesn't speak, his assistant answers for him. Another dialogue…and zoom to the bushy eyebrows….yet another dialogue….zoom again to the bushy eyebrows….imagine having to be just content watching the man’s bushy eyebrows for the entire half hour. Eyebrows that looked like a mountain…sorry, two mountains. Man….! Why couldn’t you trim them a little? Especially when they were to be shown endlessly for half an hour! You could give Kroor Singh a run for his money!! (Kroor Singh, who? Chandrakantha... remember? Yep the same guy) And no, our man does not, as much as, mouth a single dialogue the whole time. The voice could be a giveaway, right? Yeah! The whole world wants to know who the man is…. And people wait with baited breaths….

Aah mistarees!!! The warldh louse tham, doan’th thaeey?

 But no, for today that is all we will get to see. The wait continues to the next day. The next day, we get to see a shot of his majesty’s shoes…. shiny, pointed, and black, with a dotted partition running like a creek from the center to the sides.  Ah! Now you are marveling at my ability to be such a keen observer of accessories, no? Don’t be! As much as I would be liked to be called hawk eyed, I am more like a nursery kid who has been taught to learn by rote! I saw them, the shoes, I mean, for a full 30 minutes!!! They walked back and forth, the heel making a perfect angle before being laid at 180 degrees on the floor. I swear the shoes made exactly the same angle with the floor each time they were lifted! And wow, the sound they made! slow motion….crunch….in slow motion…crunch…in slow motion…they went each time he lifted those heavenly feet and blessed the floor with them! As for the identity of our man….nah...not so soon love…he continues to be a…..mistaree!! If there was a knife nearby, I could have driven it straight into my belly!

Now I wanted to desperately see who that mystery man was. It is said all good things come to those who wait….yeah right!! Because, cut to the next day, and we generously get to see a shot running from the shoes up the trousers, slowly....if an ant were to be climbing up his trouser, I bet we could have traced its path upwards! There’s more….Yay!! I do a mental flip! The shot shows us every crease on his whiter-than-milk trouser and the camera’s going up…yeah, we’re there, almost baby, keep going...keep going…I try to be encouraging. Oh yeah, the tie, beautiful… yellow floral tie, eh?whatever….but you are doing good, keep going…! Matches with the trouser and the blazer….well not really…but who cares….just keep going….come on you can do it….ah!! I can almost see the nape of his neck!!

And then…. almost liked a ruined orgasm….arrrrghhhh…..those stupid bushy eyebrows again! What the…?!! Really? What is he? Monalisa?  Why can’t you just show the bugger’s face?

How much free time do those producers think we have? They really expected us to watch such insanely stupid soaps, while they take their own sweet time (3 full episodes!!) to just show us that mystery man’s face?? And no, the face that will launch a thousand ships has still not been unraveled, mind you!

I throw a scornful this-is-what-you-watch look at mom, and she pretends not to have caught that look….I remember seeing such an insane shot 15 years ago in one of the first ever, longest running daily soaps on television. We haven’t walked a single step in last 15 years, have we? 
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