Free advice!

The little one has become really naughty. He makes me run around in circles  as I try to feed him, makes me dance to his whims trying to get him to finish his homework and do endless crunches clearing up the mess he makes. While people close to me are marveling (or maybe even getting envious) of how fit I look and how I have lost so much weight, I am having a tough time convincing them that there is no diet to thank nor a strict fitness regime.

They do not believe me when I tell them my 5 year old is the reason for my fitness! “Oh, so you don’t want to tell us?” they smirk.  How can you be so selfish? they ask, looking wide eyed.  Some people have even offered to bribe me, “You tell me and I’ll get you any book of your choice.” Ah, yea, people kind of know what can tempt me. That’s how predictable I have become! 

I’m tempted to say something, anything, just to please them, and get all those titles I’ve been waiting to pick up. The whole world is minting money with advices, so why not me? Write out some random diet plan, which is mostly ghaas-phoos and some walking and exercise and bingo! They have their plan and I get my new book. And I know that once this ‘New Year resolution’ craze is over, they are least likely to follow the plan and I will not be blamed if the plan fails. And if some half crazed friend happens to follow the plan, I am sure all those weeks of exercise and chewing cud will reflect in the pristine figures that they will beget!

People love asking for advice as much as some people love dishing them out. The friendly neighborhood aunty will always peep into your house should she see you coughing or get to know that your child is down with fever. Arre, take a decoction of tulsi leaves, ginger and pepper, she will advice you and then go on to tell you how she makes it for her family each time they cough, and how well it works, which by the way will be a big lie!

Saas bahu problems? No issues! Someone will always have some brilliant advice on how to tackle the saas and make life miserable for her. And god forbid, if you are gullible enough to take that advice, you are sure turn your own life miserable, whether you achieve that victory goal against your saas or not!

Child problems? Hubby problems ?Boss problems? Pimple problems? Heart break problem? People have a solution to everything!

Then there are those advice that the dime-a-dozen astrologers on television churn out. I happened to see one such baba while surfing channels, and sat through the entire half hour show for the sheer entertainment it provided. Eat dhaniya (coriander) seeds before you go to work today, he advised the “meen rashi walon”(Pisceans), you will get promoted. Wow! How easy! Just pop some coriander seeds and bingo, all Pisceans will get promoted! To hell with appraisals, office politics and even hard work!! And then the all knowing baba also went on tell each rashi walon what color they should wear, who should feed the crows, who should tie pink threads on all four corners of the bed and who should light a lamp of sunflower oil under a peepal tree!!

As I made fun of the guy, a friend gave me a solemn look and said, “See, when you have problems in your life, you will realize the value of his advice.” And then proceeded to tell me how “guru was vakri” (Jupiter was playing havoc!) in her horoscope and causing all the problems in her life!  I am amazed people think I lead a problem free life! “What did he say for kumbh rashi”, she wanted to know.

I have it all figured out now. I can even become a baba (well, a lady baba, which by the way sounds like lady gaga to me, but again, that’s beyond the point!) and tell people the most mundane things and even have my feet kissed.

Ah! So much for free advice!