Mom’s keenly watching a daily soap. I haven’t watched one in
years, and from the recap that mom has so generously given me, I find it
interesting. Looks like a good story line. It’s only half an hour, I tell
myself. If that means getting time to chat up with mom, even on a pretty
useless topic, why not! So I settle down next to her watching what happens next
from where she’s left the story. (and by the way, there was no chatting up
during that time, I had almost forgotten that opening my mouth was akin to hara-kiri, especially when mom’s watching those soaps!)
Scene one. Bushy eyebrow. And then, slowly the camera pans to the....the...the other bushy eyebrow.
He’s supposed to be that mystery man, right? Hmmm….Someone asks a question and the shot is again on our man…I mean, on
his bushy eyebrows….he doesn't speak, his assistant answers for him. Another
dialogue…and zoom to the bushy eyebrows….yet another dialogue….zoom again to
the bushy eyebrows….imagine having to be just content watching the man’s bushy
eyebrows for the entire half hour. Eyebrows that looked like a mountain…sorry,
two mountains. Man….! Why couldn’t you trim them a little? Especially when they
were to be shown endlessly for half an hour! You could give Kroor Singh a run
for his money!! (Kroor Singh, who? Chandrakantha... remember? Yep the same guy)
And no, our man does not, as much as, mouth a single dialogue the whole time. The
voice could be a giveaway, right? Yeah! The whole world wants to know who the
man is…. And people wait with baited breaths….
Aah mistarees!!! The warldh louse tham, doan’th thaeey?
But no, for today
that is all we will get to see. The wait continues to the next day. The next
day, we get to see a shot of his majesty’s shoes…. shiny, pointed, and black,
with a dotted partition running like a creek from the center to the sides. Ah! Now you are marveling at my ability to be
such a keen observer of accessories, no? Don’t be! As much as I would be liked
to be called hawk eyed, I am more like a nursery kid who has been taught to
learn by rote! I saw them, the shoes, I mean, for a full 30 minutes!!! They
walked back and forth, the heel making a perfect angle before being laid at 180
degrees on the floor. I swear the shoes made exactly the same angle with the
floor each time they were lifted! And wow, the sound they made! Crunch...in slow motion….crunch….in slow motion…crunch…in slow motion…they went each time he
lifted those heavenly feet and blessed the floor with them! As for the identity
of our man….nah...not so soon love…he continues to be a…..mistaree!! If there
was a knife nearby, I could have driven it straight into my belly!
Now I wanted to desperately see who that mystery man was. It
is said all good things come to those who wait….yeah right!! Because, cut to
the next day, and we generously get to see a shot running from the shoes up the
trousers, slowly....if an ant were to be climbing up his trouser, I bet we could have traced its path upwards! There’s more….Yay!! I do a mental flip! The shot shows
us every crease on his whiter-than-milk trouser and the camera’s going up…yeah, we’re there, almost baby, keep going...keep
going…I try to be encouraging. Oh yeah, the tie, beautiful… yellow floral tie,
eh? …whatever….but you are doing
good, keep going…! Matches with the trouser and the blazer….well not really…but who cares….just keep
going….come on you can do it….ah!!
I can almost see the nape of his neck!!
And then…. almost liked a ruined orgasm….arrrrghhhh…..those stupid bushy eyebrows
again! What the…?!! Really? What is he? Monalisa? Why can’t you just show the bugger’s face?
How much free time do those producers think we have? They
really expected us to watch such insanely stupid soaps, while they take their own
sweet time (3 full episodes!!) to just show us that mystery man’s face?? And
no, the face that will launch a thousand
ships has still not been unraveled, mind you!
I throw a scornful this-is-what-you-watch
look at mom, and she pretends not to have caught that look….I remember seeing
such an insane shot 15 years ago in one of the first ever, longest running daily
soaps on television. We haven’t walked a single step in last 15 years, have we?
Titli,this is a very interesting post. You have nicely exposed the soap makers.Whom are they trying to fool. Perhaps people who have all the time in the world.If you don't watch a serial for a month, you don't miss any thing.
ReplyDeleteYou said it Ushaji!!
DeleteAlas ! people's standard are rising at least now :P
ReplyDeletevery interesting piece :)
Hahaha..yea!!
DeleteI have probably watched just a handful of episodes of a few soaps in the last decade (and that too with my mom for the same reason you pointed out, to be near her, doing some of the things she enjoyed etc), but I know exactly what you mean :) In fact sometimes I would ask her on my next visit after several months what happened to some character in one of her shows and she would say "nothing", because the plot had hardly moved during all that time!!! I enjoyed your descriptive narrative in this fun and interesting piece!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you enjoyed reading this Beloo!! The idea is to drag the serials for as long as they can, so eventually "nothing" happens! there have been soaps which went on for as long as 10 years, had two generations leaps and the eldest dadi of the house still lived on...though if we calculated her age, she must be a 200 something!!!
DeleteI disagree :) After all you got to watch the soap AND without any conversation cos your mom was engrossed in it, did you not? :) SO, there is an audience for it all - though you and I may be conspicuous by our absence :) I, too, get to see them with intervals of one year in between when I go to Chennai and, surprise surprise, I am able to follow the 'story' as though I never missed an episode :)
ReplyDelete
DeleteOh et tu?
I don't recall ever following any soap. I have watched small portions of some soaps once in a while, though not out of choice.
ReplyDeleteOf course, many people's lives are controlled by the soaps that they watch!
you bet they are!!
DeleteLOL!!! This is just hilarious!!! With all due respect to your mom, I admire her patience in watching the eyebrows, shoes and trousers all throughout without any complaint!!
ReplyDeleteheheheheheh we are being fed with the same story captured in a different style and our parents remain glued to it.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother watches three serials..all of them having the same plot -_-
I just read another article .. and I wonder how can people WASTE so much of time watching the same old thing each evening .. almost all serials have same story ..
ReplyDeletebut one thing that i really really want to find out is how do they manage to keep their clothes so crisp shiny and lovely even when they get out of bed early morning ..
I need to learn that magic as I struggle to do just that
made me smile :)
Bikram