Un-Bliss...

Snug on the white settee,

He reposes,

Slumps against its silken head,

She lounges nearby,

Reclines, props up against him,

Cozy, together, in love.

The lights dim,

A candle burns in the distance,

Its glow surreal.

The cool breeze,

Tickling the wind chimes,

Their jingling laughter,

Musical.

The moon

Peeks from behind the clouds.

Romance

Wafts through the air.

Bliss.

   ***

And yet they remain,

Cozy and yet so restless,

Together and yet far away,

Connected and yet unplugged,

In love but not with each other.

They lie unaware,

Of the moments that pass unnoticed,

Of the moon, the breeze, the jingle,

Of the presence

Of one another.

Romancing a different universe,

Through the device they hold in their hands,

Devoid of each other,

Oblivious to the drama,

That plays around them,

Of precious moments slipping by.

Un-bliss.

Some people, I tell you....

I’m in the middle of an interview, and I can see the light flashing on my mobile telling me there’s a call from a neighbour in the apartment. I cannot take her call and so I continue with work. Once I’m done with the interview, I pick up my mobile to call her back. There are 6 missed calls from the lady. I suspect something must be very urgent, so I call right back.

Me: Hey P, I’m sor…

P: (In an angry tone) How many times I called you, why can’t you take my call?

(Okay, it is no rocket science to know that if someone hasn’t picked your call, either they are busy, or they are ignoring you and don’t want to pick your call, and in both cases, your question becomes irrelevant!)

(Yea, the angry tone did amuse me, because I don’t remember being in any kind of answerable relationship with her ever!)

Me: Sorry P, was busy with an interview, couldn’t speak to you…what’s up?

P: But you could have messaged me saying you were busy…

(Seriously? She couldn’t let this be?)

Me: No, I couldn’t, because I was recording the interview on my mobile. Can I know why you called?

P: Yeah, I’m also busy, I’ll come to the point.

(Yay!!)

P: Your younger son called my son “fatso….

Me: What????? You called me at office to tell me this??? See, I’m sorry, I’ll teach him not to call people names. Okay, I got to go now, bye.

P: He also called him a girl.

Me: Yep, noted, I’ll talk to the little one. Bye..

P: You can’t hang up…how can he talk to my son like that? It affects my son’s morale. He should have common sense….

(Now she had begun to get on my nerves…)

Me: That’s a 5 year old you are talking about, P, they are kids for god’s sake!! And I’m sorry again… I said I’ll talk to my child.

P: That’s what’s is so worrying, a small child should be taught what to talk and what not. In fact I called him to our house yesterday evening and he said I have to go to a party, he didn’t have to go anywhere, I know. He lied. Can you see how over-smart he is?

Me: That’s enough P, We did go a party last evening. See P, we shouldn’t be getting into this, let the kids handle it their way. They may fight today, they are friends tomorrow and we end up looking like fools.

P: No, I don’t agree, I will protect my child if people make fun of him. Are you denying that your son called my son fatso?

(Oh dear, this was not about to get over so soon..)

Me: I am not denying anything. Kids are capable of doing or saying anything. All I’m saying is let’s not drag ourselves into this. Why don’t you call all the kids and try to find out what happened.

P: I just spoke to your elder one half an hour ago and he accepted that his brother had called my son as fatso and girl.

(Ah!)

Me: Are you sure you spoke to my elder one today?

P: Yes, do you think I’m lying?

Me: No P, of course not. Did you call him up or speak to him personally?

P: Personally…

Me: Are you sure you spoke to MY son, maybe you mistook someone else for my son.

P: What nonsense, I know your kids.

Me: The elder one is in Kanyakumari right now, for a karate tournament…he will be back the day after tomorrow.

(Silence….)

(I’m enjoying the silence.)

Me: Hello?

P: I think I have an incoming call, I’ll speak to you in the evening.

Me: Sure.

                                                                            *****

She’s not done yet. In the evening, she brings her sons to my house and summons all the kids.

(Seriously? How old is she??)

P: Did S call R as fatso?

(The heavy voice scares the kids and all fall silent.)

Me: Were you all playing together today?

Kids: Yes aunty.

Me: R is your friend, isn’t it?

Kids: Yes Aunty.

Me: It’s not right to call anyone names. They feel hurt. Don’t do it again, ok?

Kid 1: R’s mother told us some months ago that R is fat and so make him run and exercise. But he doesn’t run, so G told him 'are you a girl? Why aren’t you running?'

Kid 2: And we thought by irritating him and by calling him fatso, we can motivate him to run. We thought he will feel bad and start participating.

Kid 3 : R is a bully, he keeps pushing everyone. Today he pushed S from the slide and he hurt his knee. Since he couldn’t hit him back, he called him fatso out of anger.

Me: I get it. You did it out of good intentions, but it is still not ok to call anyone names. Come on now, say sorry to R and go out to play.

(Time for “an egg on the face” moment… she had called a 5 year old , liar, someone without common sense, and all that without verifying the truth..., she herself had effective lied, and behaved like someone without any sense, leave alone that which is common!! I wondered, if she'd have the guts to apologise...)

P: No need. We know how to take care of our kids.

(She turns to her kids and warns them not to play with the other kids and drags them home.)

I don’t know what to say!

First Impressions...

I happened to watch a reality show last night. The contestants had an option to choose their partners. They would be shown AVs of two individuals and had to make a choice of partner amongst the two, relying solely on their introductions. The first guy was a confident sounding, good looking hunk, and the other a more homely, or rather what you’d call husband material. The first lady choose the homely guy over the hunk. Then walked in a second lady and was given the option to choose between the hunk and another guy who spoke of how being a dad was his greatest achievement ever, and needless to say, the daddy got chosen by the lady. In walked the third lady, and the guy giving competition to the hunk was a man mired in controversy. And yet again, the hunk was rejected and the other guy got selected for “being honest.”  When it happened again for the fourth time and the fifth time, and it was evident that people were reluctant to choose him, the hunk was finally given a choice to choose among two women. The sad part was when neither of the women seemed happy to be his partner, but one of them had to relent because he had the right to choose!

Poor guy!

I couldn’t help but notice how slowly but steadily his self-esteem had begun to crack under that tough, confident avatar he wanted to show to the world. That made me wonder what was so unlikeable about the guy that six women rejected him in a row!!

Positive attitude v/s arrogance-

People love individuals who have a positive attitude but when that attitude borders on arrogance, it can repel people more strongly than the like poles of a bar magnet!

The hunk went on and on about his achievements and though he probably intended it to be a statement of his winning capabilities, he came across as being completely arrogant.  

God’s greatest gift to mankind-

Yea, there are people like that! People who think they are god’s greatest gift to mankind and without them the human race would almost be extinct!

This guy behaved like one of those kinds, heaping mounds of praise upon himself and listing what he would hate in his probably partner. No one likes a perfect person, because people believe there is no one who is perfect. If you are a human, you are bound to have your shortcomings. Perhaps that is why even a guy with seemingly questionable character got picked over this hunk, just because he was honest enough to admit he had his short comings!

Also, nothing puts off people more than telling them, don’t be my friend if you don’t have these qualities. It is like putting a pre-condition to a relationship. Some might feel being frank is a good thing, but again, there’s a thin line between being frank and being rude.

Confidence v/s over confidence-

Confidence can be a great quality in a person. It makes people around you appreciate you more, but when it starts hovering on the ‘over confidence’ side, it can be really damaging. Over confidence often reeks of insecurity, it more like the fake smiles people sport to hide their hurt, or the excessive talking people do when they are lying or hiding a truth.

It was no wonder then, that simple looking guys got picked up over that good looking hunk, people who didn’t seem to have achieved much got picked over this guy who had won lots of competitions, humble dads and committed boyfriends got picked over this single-and-ready to mingle guy, even guys with questionable character got picked over this seemingly perfect hunk.

I am not saying, the hunk is a bad guy. He could be one of the best. Maybe all the women made wrong choices by not choosing him. But that is price you pay for making the wrong first impression. It’s good to think highly of oneself. But if that doesn’t translate to others thinking the same about you, then you have failed miserably.

Yea, I know there could be another debate about “I don’t care what people think about me”. And that is fine if you aren’t competing. But when you stand in a competitive field, be it a reality show or a job interview or are making that all important sales call with a new customer, first impressions do matter. 

A lot.  

I met a group of virtual friends for the first time yesterday. I tried to think of what kind of first impressions people made on me. For instance, I thought of Sid who quietly went about charming his way into everyone’s heart, making everyone comfortable, seeing to it that everybody ate well, being ever so gentle and yet never over bearing. He was easily the apple of everyone’s eye! Then there was Vidya, motherly, gentle, sweet, witty and caring. She spoke less, but whenever she did, I loved her more!

First impressions do matter. They often get etched into people’s minds. How they interact with you after that, depends a lot on that first impression. And I think the key to making that awesome first impression is by being you.  Not trying to be someone you would like to be, not imitating someone else, not coming across as fake, not being arrogant or bitchy.

I wonder what kind of first impression I make on people. 

Hmm…point to ponder.  

Silent Screams...

When a young girl jumped off a building last week, taking her own life, she had apparently researched "89 websites" to find out different means to die. She had considered all the ways of committing suicide, speculating the success rate of each and then zeroing in on jumping from the building. Her Google history showed searches about jumping in front of a train, consuming poison, overdosing on sleeping pills, hanging by a rope, electrocuting herself, drowning etc. She even contemplated about the way she would jump from the building- diving head first or plummeting down it. 

Just reading these gory details, brought a lump to my throat. That a person could be so desperate to end her life, that she saw no other option, no other reason to continue living, was saddening.Could she have lived if someone had heard her silent screams for help? 

Studies say that most people who die of suicide wouldn’t do so if they knew there was an alternative way, something that they cannot see, but if anyone could make them see it, they would understand. They go through enormous amounts of suffering loathing, hopelessness and isolation and all they want is for the pain to stop.

They aren’t asking for help, they aren’t screaming out aloud, so how are we to know if a loved one actually needs help? But just because they don’t ask for it, doesn’t mean they do not need it. Most people lead quite normal lives, and leave their family and friends shocked when they kill themselves. The onus is really on each one of us to spot the warning signs.

Warning signs-

If a loved one says things like, “you’ll be sorry when I’m gone”, “I’m stuck”, “I’m better off dead,” “If we meet again,” I wish I hadn’t been born,” “I can’t see a way out”, whether said casually or seriously, could count as a threat. It is a clue that the person could contemplate suicide.

If someone’s harming oneself or talks about killing oneself, writes a lot about death and dying, seeks out information about ways to die, it could point to major  warning signs about what is going on in their minds.

You have all the more reason for concern if the person is moody, depressed, has previously attempted suicide and suffers from substance abuse, alcohol dependence, bipolar disorder, or family history of suicide.

Another potent warning sign is the person getting their affairs in order, like making a will, giving away prized possessions, calling or visiting unusually to say goodbye, and behaving like they are not likely to see them ever again. Some people may suddenly become happy or calm after prolonged depression, and it could mean that they have decided to end their life.

Some might tend to get withdrawn from family and friends, stop socialising, express hopelessness or worthlessness, guilt, shame, or self-hatred.

How you can help-

If you spot warning signs in someone you care about, do not ignore them. Talk to them. Don’t worry if you read it all wrong. It is better to talk before it is too late than keep quiet thinking about consequences. Ask them if they are harbouring suicidal thoughts. Many people feel that talking about suicide may give them ideas. But the opposite is true. Talking about it gives them hope, it tells them that someone knows their state of mind and is willing to listen and help. Also most people are willing to seek help, they just don’t know how.

Let the person know you are listening. Let them vent their anger, frustrations and despair. Sometimes just talking about it to someone who can lend a sympathetic ear can help them unburden.

Let them know you care. It is important to let the person feel loved and wanted. It is important to let them know that their life matters to you.

  

Let them know there are alternatives. Let them know things will be better and these are temporary feelings. Tell them to hold on.

Help them talk about their problems. Once you know what’s bothering them, find out how you can help. Don’t be judgmental. Be sympathetic and accepting instead. They need to know that whatever is bothering them is not the end of the road. It is just a road block and they can get around it with help.

Never argue with them, or emotionally blackmail them, or lecture them on life and its values, or give advice. That is the last thing they want to hear.

If you are not confident of talking, involve a psychologist, or a crisis line. Never leave the person alone. And make sure they have no access to potential means of suicide, like pills, knives, razors, guns, etc.

A healthy lifestyle change like proper diet, medication, exercise, good sleep and positive reinforcement will help them get back on track. 

Here's an emotional TED talk video by Mark Henick, who has "been there, done that" and survived. He says,  "90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable mental illness at the time of their death. And with medications and psychotherapy, these treatments work, and so we need to make these treatments more available to people in a more informed way." 

I think, you need to see this...

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10th September is World Suicide Prevention Day. But I think everyday should be one. In whatever way we can, if we can work towards creating awareness, to remove the stigma surrounding suicide, and help more people to call out for help, we could really save precious lives. 

THAT moment...

What do you call that moment, which isn’t quite “the one”,

It’s the one right before it…the penultimate, before the final one…

That moment…

      when the steed stands high up in the air, at the cusp of the finish line,

      the race is not yet won, but in a moment it will be fine…

That moment…

       When you are holding your partner’s hand in yours, the ring nearing her finger,

      You aren’t yet man and wife, but in a moment you will be together…

That moment,

      when you feel the baby’s crown just about to emerge, the bundle of joy will arrive,

       it has not yet seen the light of the day, but in a moment, it will cry…

That moment,

       when you are standing with your arm outstretched, eyes on the award,

      on the tray, not yet in your hand, but in a moment you will be honored…

 That moment,

         when you see your loved one gasping for breath, perhaps his last ever,

        he is here now looking at you, but in a moment will be gone forever…

That moment,

        when a final glimpse you catch, as slowly chugs the train

        you behold her now, but know, that in a moment, will never see her again…

 THAT, is the moment, most intense of all….

        when the heart beats the fastest, and the breath is as good as gone,

         The fleeting moment that is lost, before you chanced upon…

         it is not your moment of victory or joy, neither of grief or pain or fall,

         The biggest moment of all is the one…you hadn’t thought of at all.