"I'm just a call away!" - Really?

Every time we hear that someone has died of suicide, there’s suddenly a lot of palpable interest in the subject. People gather actively on social media, the status of the deceased is discussed – was wealth or the lack of it, the cause of this extreme step? Was it relationships? Was it failure? – the curiosity to know what drives a person over the edge. Maybe, they are genuinely concerned too. But often, we forget that even in death, people deserve their privacy.

Then, there are the speculators – blaming circumstances, and people for the tragedy.  

And last but not the least, there are people posting statuses like, ‘I’m just a call away’, ‘Call me if you need to talk’, I’ll be there for you.’

Noble. Very noble. But pretty pointless.

Wait, don’t fly into a rage, yet!

Because a few days into this tragedy and all is forgotten! It takes another tragedy of this proportion to get people talking about mental health and depression, again.

If you are one of those who want to help someone who is depressed so that they don't do something drastic, maybe this post could help. 

But first, the question that we often have in our mind... 

Is depression real?

Yes! Depression is as real as any other illness.

Don’t belittle someone who is feeling depressed by saying, it’s all in the mind, why don’t you try meditation, stop thinking about your problems… no, it doesn’t work that way.

Depression can push people into a state of hopelessness. And when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, they might give up. It’s often not just their life that they want to end, it could be the trauma they are undergoing, or a feeling of guilt that has overtaken them, or maybe a feeling of worthlessness that has washed over them.                              

We live in a society and rejection is something we cannot face. We want to be accepted in our respective groups. We look for approval, for appreciation. Being isolated could make one depressed. 

 

How would you know who is depressed?   

We could perhaps never put a finger as to who could be depressed. Depressed people try really hard to look happy in public, so we wouldn’t know for sure unless we know them personally. Rather they would not have us know that they are depressed. So that is why I said, putting up statuses, and making yourself available to talk, is pointless.

Don’t put up a status offering help and consider your job done. No one is voluntarily going to approach you for help.

Imagine you are worried about something. Whom would you talk to? Some random stranger who had offered to talk to you if you need an ear? Would you do that? No?

Then what is the possibility that a person who has had enough of life, so much that they are contemplating suicide, will call you and talk to you about it? 

So back to the question, you want to help but how would you know someone is depressed?

Depression does not strike in a day. It’s not like, someone who is fine one day will suddenly become depressed the next day. Events and small incidents keep piling up over months, possibly years. When it stretches beyond tolerable limits, they break down.

Is there anything you can do to help?

Definitely!

1. Look out for people in your circle.

We don’t have to look at strangers asking them if they need help. I don't mean that you shouldn't help strangers. Strangers are not going to open up to anyone randomly. 

But, there are enough people around us – our family, our friends, our employees, our colleagues, our neighbours. Look out for them. Are they going through a difficult time?

Is there a student at home or in your neighbourhood who is writing an important exam and feel they might not succeed? Is there a relative or friend who has lost near and dear ones recently? Is someone facing a financial crisis? Has someone lost their job recently? Is someone going through post-partum stress? Has anyone in their family been hospitalised for a long duration? There could be many more triggers.

Many people do handle all or some of these issues in life and they do pretty well too. But not everyone is sailing in the same boat.

2. Keep the door open for them.

When someone is already dead, it’s easy to say, had I known, I would have done something. But, most of the time, we turn our backs to them when they are struggling. Maybe it is the fear that we might be asked for financial assistance and we might not be able to provide that. But, there are several ways to get financial assistance, and we could at least show them the way. They just need to know that we know their pain.

If we are dealing with a student who fears failure, they need to be counseled. They must know that the parents will continue to support them no matter what. Extra coaching can be given to help with understanding the lessons. But it is the family who has to anticipate what the child’s requirement is and hold hands from the beginning.  

If someone is unable to cope with the loss of a loved one, give them time to heal. Hang along, even if they don't want you to. Cook them meals, take care of their children, or buy them groceries.

If you find they are susceptible to self-harm, help them to get counseling – either from a doctor or from an understanding family member.

Don’t quote examples from your own life, as tempting as it might be! It is very demeaning to the person who is already suffering.

If you can’t be bothered to help when there’s time, then don’t lament when it’s too late.

3. Spend time with them.

If you have committed yourself to help a person during their tough time, you must know that it is long term commitment. It might take years of your time. No one can get better in a day or two. So think before you offer help. Don't disappear after promising to be there. This is one major reason why a depressed person will not open up to anyone. It's important to have their trust.

Often, when someone’s depressed, life seems dark. It is difficult to look at the bright side of life when all your mind wants to do, is see the dark side. Listen to them. Don't talk to them about your experiences!

They could need to be reassured that they are good at what they do, they could need to be urged to let go of things that are hurting. You'll know what they need, only if you listen.

4. Teach them to face adversity.

Life is never going to be hunky-dory. All will never be well. There will be phases when there are bound to be failures, or heartbreaks, or loss, or grief. Teach them to be brave and tough during such times.

Facing adversity has to be ingrained in children right from childhood. Many parents don't realise this. They get over-protective of their children. They don't let them fall. They use yardsticks to measure success. As a result, the child never learns that it's okay not to succeed all the time. It's important to let our children know that they are not going to win all the time. 

To that jittery teen, you could say, ‘Put in your best effort. But despite that, if you fail, it’s ok. We will pick up the pieces again. we will try again. We will do something else if this is too difficult.’  

A woman going through post-partum stress needs to know that she’s not alone. You could let her know that you understand and will be there to help in whatever way possible instead of ridiculing her for being difficult, or acting weird or telling her that she is more fortunate than women unable to bear children, or wondering what’s wrong with her that she cannot enjoy motherhood! Tell her, ‘It’s ok to not want to hold your baby. I’ll help you take care of it. You eat healthily and take care of yourself.’

5. Avoid the urge to put people down.

Many a time, we might not be able to invest so much time with a person, especially if they aren’t your close relative or friend. Yet, there’s a lot that you can do.

Do you think you talk down someone at the workplace? Do you talk behind the back of your family members? No? Think again.

Everyone is in a game of one-upmanship. Everyone wants to be in the good books of people who matter to us – like a parent, an employer, a teacher, or even the mother-in-law!  Subconsciously or purposefully, we might be belittling people all the time. 

'X committed this mistake, I rectified it.’  

‘Z is such a bad parent.’ 

'You're not going to fit in that dress!' 

'Your brother is smarter than you!'

It may seem insignificant, but over the years, you end up effectively turning your ‘perceived power center’ against the other person. So much, that it starts affecting their confidence, their self-respect, their perception of self-worth.  You would have no idea that you have silently been gnawing at their mind while being blissfully unaware of it.

Curb the tendency to talk bad about someone. Stop isolating someone because they don’t fit into your ideas. Open your mouth only if you have something good to say about someone.

If someone has committed a mistake, let them know it upfront. If your motive is to help them learn from their mistake, then, it is them you should directly be talking to, not everyone else.  

There’s a saying, ‘Criticise privately, appreciate openly.’

To summarise…

Pick up the signs. Don’t ignore possible triggers.

Keep communication lines open.

Spend time with people you care about.

Keep them ready to face failure.

Be kind…to everyone. Don’t put people down. 

(This is not a self-help post for people suffering from depression. It is for those who want to help, but don't know how to. I hope this helped.)  

*Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this post are mine. This post is not a substitute for professional /medical advice.