K - 5 things never to say to your Kid

As parents, we want the best for our kids. Yet, we sometimes get angry, impatient or annoyed with our little ones for various reasons. I’m not going to argue if the reasons are right or wrong, it all depends on the situation you are in at that moment. But irrespective of what our circumstances are, I believe there are certain things you must never say to your kids.

You are good for nothing (Demoralising)

Kids are clumsy, they spill, they break, they drop, but they are learning. Just because they do not have a careful hand, don’t brand them as ‘good for nothing.’ They might be slow learners at school or not be competitive enough at sports, but just because they haven’t shined yet, don’t brand them as ‘good for nothing.’ Being demoralised like this will make them scared to take up any assignment or task.

Instead, teach them the correct way to do things. Help them clean up when they make a mess. Be patient when they are slow to learn. That’s the way they are going to learn. Children who learn from their mistakes not only grow up to be responsible adults but also do not fear taking risks.

Don’t you dare…or else…(Threatening)

Kids can get annoying sometimes and it gets difficult to get them to listen to you. They might throw a tantrum, but don’t lose your temper. Don’t threaten to send them away to the boarding school or to somewhere you know they fear. Don’t threaten them with taking away their prized possessions.  For you, it’s an empty threat, but it can leave kids fearful and bruised. You don't want your kid to grow up into a meek and timid adult, do you?  

A cousin who used to threaten her daughter like that when she was younger, has now grown into a tween who cries herself sick if she cannot find her mother for a moment when in a gathering.  

You are too young for this (Undermining)

We do fear for our kids’ safety and we would never want to endanger them with risky activities. By all means, be guarded but give them the freedom to explore and learn. Don’t inundate them with too many instructions and don’t keep telling them that they are too young for this and that. Be their guide and help them do what they set out to do.

My little one loves to cook and chop. He was just six when he held the knife for the first time. I was scared as hell, I didn’t want him to accidentally chop his finger. But I didn’t want to discourage him too, so I let him help me with the chopping and cleaning and cooking. Of course, all under my hawk eye. I brought him safety equipment like plastic knives so that he doesn’t injure himself, but I didn’t want to tell him that he’s too young to do something.

I hate you (Dissociating)

This is one of the worst things you can ever, ever, ever, say to your child. Think of how you’d feel if someone you loved the most said something like that to you. Well, those feelings are multiplied manifold for a child. No matter what your child has done, never tell them that you hate them. It erodes their self-confidence, makes them feel lonely and depressed, it makes them feel dissociated from you. You don’t want to scar your child for life, do you? Even though that time will pass, they will carry the bitterness a long way into their adulthood.

You are a bad person (guilt tripping)  

No child should ever be told that they are bad. Don’t leave the child feeling guilty. People are never bad, only their actions are. And when it comes to kids, they have no idea about the repercussions of their actions. They don’t do things knowingly, unlike adults. Putting them in a guilty spot is harsh. They surely don’t deserve it.   

Kids are like wet clay. It is up to us to make impressions that they will cherish for a lifetime, not those that will scar them for life. Don’t stop them from questioning. The questions might be irritating, but the little one is learning the hows and whys. You keep dodging their questions and soon they will stop asking. Don’t let this be a cause of regret later.

J - 5 Joys to cherish before they perish

Joys don’t last forever. Like sorrows, they come with the expiry date stamped on them. They are like the rainbow, you must wait for them but make sure to enjoy them before they fade away! Here are 5 joys which you must cherish before they perish.

The joy of cuddling up with your child-

Children grow up all too soon. Before you know it, they are as tall as you! You cannot baby talk them anymore, can’t kiss and hug them in public and can’t make them sit on your lap or sing a lullaby! Well, technically you can, but your child might not like it! So, cherish the joy of spending time with your little one before they grow out of your lap. Quality time is what you should be looking at. Watching TV together does not qualify, neither do attending family functions! Aim at playing with them, taking a stroll in the park, reading out to them, listening to their chats and such activities. Trust me, the will cherish these little joys all their life! 

The joy of curling up on your parents lap.

As sad as it makes me writing this, our parents probably aren’t going to be around as much as we wish they would. As we get busier with our careers and lives, we tend to forget the hands that nurtured us. Just living in the same house with them or visiting them as and when we can, is not going to be enough. As with the kids, spending quality time with the parents is important too. Sit with them, listen to them talk, take them out and ensure that their twilight years are happy and comfortable.

The joy of having fun with your friends.

Again, as we grow in our careers, friends take a back seat. But friends are perhaps the only people who keep us grounded, humoured, sanitised and crazy, not to forget youthful! No matter how old you get, being with friends will take you back to your youth. These are people who have been a part of your growing up years and been by your side in your times of struggle - no one will understand you better than they do. Keep them close always.

The joy going crazy with your partner.

Our partners are probably the most under-valued people in our lives. As years roll by, we start taking them for granted, and their presence becomes like the ubiquitous salt. Salt is an inseparable part of a dish, but no one acknowledges its presence. We only realise it’s absence when we forget to add salt someday. Like salt, don’t relegate your partner’s presence to the background. The joy that the partner can bring into our lives cannot be substituted. The children grow up and go away, parents pass on but the partner keeps you strong and going at all times. Whatever your schedule, don’t let distances or priorities keep you away - physically, yes, sometimes because it is inevitable; but mentally, never.

The Joy of loving yourself.

The last, but definitely not the least, is the joy of loving ourselves. Being in love with ourselves is as important as showering our love on others. A joyous inside reflects on the outside too. Show yourself some love, pamper yourself with some attention, and do things that you enjoy. Bask in the joy of loving yourself.

What would you add to this list?

I - 5 tips for partnering with an Introvert

Opposites, they say, attract. Well, in my case, it worked exactly that way! The self-confessed, extrovert in me found itself being attracted to the painfully shy introvert in my husband! While I was loud and outspoken and brash, he was so soft-spoken and polite that I wondered how we hit it off in the first place! He was vehemently opposed to noise and I loved being outdoors! I was at times so scared that I might do or say that could offend or hurt him. But over time, I learnt what a gift it is for an extrovert like me to be married to an introvert like him.

Here are 5 tips for you, especially if you and your partner are an  extrovert - introvert combination!

Find the middle path.

It is a given that both like to do things differently and also enjoy different things. But the trick is to find the middle path.  For example, I realised that hubby hates the outdoors because he abhors the crowds and the noise. So, we planned our outings to places that are not as crowded and yet fun to be. I am quite at home in a sea of people and have a lot of friends but he prefers a closed unit. Amongst us, we have a smaller circle of friends, that is not too small and not too large, but it is extremely close knit.

Don’t push beyond their limit.

Even if your partner is an introvert, they will do their best to accommodate your desires and fancies, if they love you. But in the zeal to get them to do more, don’t push them beyond their limits and don’t try to change them. Introverts tend to withdraw further if you try to keep poking - very much like a tortoise. It might, however, take a few trials and errors to know how far your partner will go.

Be patient.

Introverts are not always shy and wrapped up in their cocoons. They can sometimes surprise you with their candor. The trick is to be patient. As tempting as it might get to flood their ears with your sweet cooing, learn to listen. It helps if you know what their interests are and you are able to start a conversation with such topics. They might speak little but it’s pretty enlightening to hear them speak if you can keep quiet for some time!   

It’s okay to do things separately.

Disagreements are commonplace when you want to do everything together. But like chalk and cheese, extroverts and introverts have a lot in uncommon! Resist the urge to plan all your time together. If there are things that you really want to do, go ahead with you gang but don’t drag the reluctant partner with you. The space that you give each other will make the relationship stronger as will the time that you spend together.

Go easy on the PDA.

It is quite a normal reaction for an extrovert to expect and show a lot of PDA. But Introverts are not really into PDA the way you want them to be. They have their own way of showing affection which might be much more meaningful and deep. If you find that your partner is not comfortable with it, don’t embarrass them by persisting with your overtures. 

The same goes for expecting compliments, thank-yous, that's-so-sweet-of-yous, you-are-best, etc etc. 

  

 Are you and your partner an extrovert-introvert combination? Does it work in your favour or against it? 

H - 5 ways to find Happiness!

We all want to be happy. It is like that elusive piece of the puzzle that has gone missing somewhere. In our search for happiness, we often convince ourselves that if things happened how we had wished for, we’d be so happy. If I had a bigger house or a better car, if I didn’t have this illness or this incompatible spouse, if the weather was not so cold or so hot, I’d be so happy! In short, I want to be happy but these circumstances and people will not let me be!

Are you blaming the universe for conspiring to make you unhappy? Well, here are 5 ways to finding happiness without letting the universe meddle in between!

Do it for yourself.

For example, you decide to buy a new car. Buy it because it makes ‘you’ happy, and enjoy what you bought. Don’t be happy because this car will make your friend jealous, or because it is a better model than what your neighbour bought, or because you were rich enough to afford it. Conversely, don’t be unhappy because your friend bought a better car or you couldn’t afford the other car that you were eyeing and had to be content with this one.

I hope you get the drift. When you do things because it makes ‘you’ feel happy, you will not have to worry about circumstances or people.

Be a child again.

As we grow up, we forget how it is to be a child. It takes very little for a child to be happy because it doesn’t live with expectations. A child doesn’t think much of what it gives and what it receives. But as adults, we do. We get hurt easily, our egos are more fragile, and we expect too much for everything we give. As a result, our minds are in a constant state of agitation.

Be a child once again. Lounge on the bed, roll in the mud (okay, don’t roll your eyes, I didn’t mean that one literally!!), lose yourself in what you do. Live in the present moment, not in the far future or the irrevocable past.  

You are not your circumstances.

The sickness, the grief, the agonies, the difficulties are only a part of your life just like good health, joys and victories are. But these are only a part and not the whole. Moreover, these are merely circumstances and not who you are.

The circumstances will not always be right, but you can choose to be who you are, in spite of the circumstances. Just like a 100 rupee note which never diminishes in value whether you fold it or crush it, it continues to be worth 100 rupees.  

Look within.

Happiness is within you. No one, except you, can be responsible for your happiness. One’s happiness or sadness cannot be dependent on things beyond their control. Yet, we often base our state of mind on ‘other’ things! ‘I’m happy because I won some contest.’ ‘I’m sad because I broke up with someone.’ That’s when the equation starts going all wrong - when the reason why you feel in a certain way is because of ‘something else’ and not because of ‘yourself’. Grow your happiness yourself. 

Count your blessings.

The reason why we fail to sense happiness is because we fail to appreciate what we have. Be grateful for the little things you have. Be grateful that you are breathing right now, so many are on ventilator support.  Be grateful that you have a house to live in, food to eat, clean water to drink, there are so many who sleep on the street, or are going hungry or are dying of thirst. When you begin to count your blessings, it fills you an inexplicable happiness rooted in gratitude.   

Stay Happy! 

G - 5 reasons why you should stop Googling stuff!

It is not a wonder anymore, that everyone is insanely bitten by the Google bug. You want to know the meaning of a word? Ask Google. Distance between places? How to get there? Where to stay? Ask Google! Recent news? Celebrity fights? Pictures, videos? Ask Google. Yeah! Google has become the know-all, be-all in our everyday existence. There’s nothing that Mr. G doesn’t know!

But should you be so Google-dependent every waking minute of your life? Maybe these 5 reasons why you shouldn’t be, might help you see the other side.

Mr. G is NOT Dr. G.

There are millions of instances when people type in their symptoms on Mr. G and try to find out what’s wrong with them. But beware! You never know when Mr. G turns your minor headache into brain tumour! And then there are people who complete their entire medical education online and arrogantly challenge doctors and their line of treatment! Mr. G is not your doctor, learn to trust the real one!

Mr. G could make you dumb.

Yeah, that is what will happen when you ‘search’ everything instead of ‘thinking’. Gradually, you might get so dependent on Mr. G, that your brain will begin to rust lying unused for so long!

Mr. G for inspiration or plagiarism?

Don’t keep turning to Mr. G for inspiration. You never know when you inadvertently begin to use other people’s work as your own. Imagine if Mr. G were to be a book, would you keep flipping pages after pages for ideas? It would be so tedious, that you would rather use your own, won’t you? Is it not better to put your mind to use and be the creator of your destiny?

Mr. G does not have all the answers.

Habitual surfers will tell you that Mr. G can be very fickle. You can type ‘Is brown rice good for health’ and get about 96,10,000 results in 0.58 seconds, and you can type, ‘Is brown rice bad for health’ and get about 1,82,00,000 results in an equal number of seconds! You will still be left wondering if brown rice is good for you or bad! The point is, Mr. G will tell you only as much as the last word you typed.

Mr. G snuffs away your time.

Have you ever noticed how one search leads to the other, one link leads to another and before you know you have spent half your afternoon and most of your productive time just flitting like a butterfly from one flower to another?

I am not against search engines, I use them too! But when and where to draw the line should be your prerogative. Use your brain but if you need to know something, by all means, ask Mr. G. And be sure to back that up from some other authentic source as well.  

Do you agree?