Sunday, July 6, 2014

Obsessing? Nah...


“Stop obsessing over your son,” hubby dearest chided me. “He is 10 now. He can take care of himself. How long will you continue to hover over him like this? If he is more than 10 minutes late, you call the driver, if I am 10 minutes late, you start calling me, and sending me messages. It was ok as long as it was me, but now at least spare the poor child.” The sermon seemed never ending! He said a lot of other things, which my mind did not even register. Yea, I have this innate ability to selectively hear things and screen out what I don’t want to hear!

The situation in question was an impending trip to Kanyakumari with the school karate team. As in the past three years, I had flatly refused to send him anywhere out of town, on his own. Hubby had not taken very kindly to my refusal this time. I didn’t want an argument, so I did what I do best in such situations; I walked to my room leaving the conversation hanging in mid air and hubby throwing up his arms in despair.
How unkind! Obsessing wasn’t even the right word! This word was being used too often nowadays, and it certainly wasn’t making me feel comfortable. As if hearing this term from my hubby wasn’t enough, a dear friend said so in as many words. He felt my constant need to keep communicating was suffocating. I don’t know when my son will begin using that term!

I know what ails me, of course I do. I have been living with it practically all my life, so my actions are quite rational to me at least!  I have been contemplating talking to these people about it but this has never been a topic I have wanted to talk about. How do I explain that I wasn’t obsessing, it was not even just concern; it was something deeper, something more rooted in my subconscious….it was fear.

I must have been about 12 or 13. It was the day of the result after the final exam. I remember it was the 7th of May. I had fared quite well and had been excited to share the news with my closest friend, N, who lived a couple of streets away. I remember that I wore a green polka dot skirt and matching top. I told my mom and hopped to my friend’s place that afternoon. As I climbed the steps to her apartment, I saw that a lot of people had gathered there, and even more in my friend’s house. I tried to get in the house but an uncle stopped me. He told me, “Beta, go home and tell daddy that G uncle has passed away.” G uncle was my friend N’s dad.

I remember feeling shocked and scared at the same time. Death was not something I had dealt with before. I remember running back home debating with myself if I should tell dad ‘the news’. I remember seeing dad watching TV. I remember running to him and sitting on his lap holding on to him like a baby monkey would hold on to its parent. I also remember not telling him ‘the news’ at all. I didn’t want him to go and see G uncle. I was terrified that something would happen to him if he did. He read the news in the obituary the next day and was sad that he couldn’t go see his friend one last time. And I remember being anxious wondering what he would say if he knew I was aware and had not told him. Luckily that never happened.

It has been more than 20 years since that day, but every detail is so vividly printed in my mind like it was yesterday. It is surprising, since I am quite an absent minded and forgetful person. I am the kind who walks to the refrigerator to take out something and forgets what it was as soon as I open the door. So to remember an event that happened 20 years ago, for every day of my life after it happened is nightmarish to say the least.

People have strange fears and some of them are quite irrational too. This event happened so long back when I was just a child but it left a lasting fear of losing a loved one in my mind.
At that time dad worked with a bank and was quite active in theater. So after banking hours, he and his team would gather for rehearsals and he would often return home late at night. I remember always being anxious till he came home. I remember never sleeping a wink till I saw him back home safe. I was always the one to open the door whether he came home at 1 or 2 pm. When the bus he was travelling in turned turtle near Shiridi during one such tour for a drama competition, I remember being distraught to the point of being delirious till we heard that he was well. And then I shifted to a new city, got married and found a new family but the anxiety to know that he is ok never left me. I call dad at least once or twice a day to keep checking on him.

With marriage, the anxiety spread to my hubby. Hubby’s works calls for late nights too and the anxiety over his well being got added to my already tense mind. Hubby has often wondered aloud why I have to keep messaging him every hour to know when he will be back and to know if he is ok. I didn’t know how to explain it to him.

My elder one is on that list too. He is a black belt in karate, and has won several awards in local competitions, but when his karate master requested me to send him to a tournament outside the city, I panicked.  I refused to send him citing his young age. I have been citing the same reason for three years now and master was quite angry with me when he said, ‘It is because of mothers like you that talented kids like your son will not prosper.’ It hurt me to be spoken to like this, but I haven’t changed my stand yet. With mounting pressure from my son to send to send him to the competition this year, I am already panicking. If his school van is late by 10 minutes, I keep calling the driver to find out why the delay happened.  

Oddly, I am not plagued by this fear when it comes to my mom or sister or even my little one! I cannot understand why that is so! Apart from these 3 men, there are two of my closest friends, whom I’m anxious about all the time. One of them is a 17 year old friend, D, and the other is S, someone I know just since 3 years. Why the fear is selective, I have no answer. My friend of 17 years,who is more like a brother I never had, just lost his mother and I was worried sick if he was ok. I was calling him every waking hour.

I have this constant urge to know that all is well with these 5 men in my life. So I have to keep communicating with them and not getting a response makes me miserable. 

Dad is of course a sweetheart; he loves to hear from me anytime of the day, and never minds how often I call him.  But the other four are quite the opposite. While hubby is quick to show his irritation at being sent so many messages every day, the elder one cannot understand why mommy has to be so unreasonable. And S even told me that my constant need to keep communicating makes him feel trapped.

 I just hope I don’t have additions on this list. I cannot bear to keep worrying myself sick about more people. And I cannot bear the thought that these men think I’m obsessing over them or I’m possessive. I’m not! I also hope these men read this post and know that I’m waging a battle with myself every day, trying to be sane yet losing my mind and sleep over them. I wish they’d show me some love and let me know they are OK. Communication is my only medicine and by denying me that they drive me insane!





22 comments:

  1. I'm new to your blog and don't yet know whether this piece is fictional or autobiographical in nature. In any case, you're pretty good in expressing yourself. Will keep coming back for more.

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  2. protectiveness is good .. but in excess it result in frustrating for both .. ! think from his side .. he put so much effort to go there and now simply he cant .. it hurts (this i'm saying from childhood experience ) .. dont let your fear to become someone else hindrance..

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    1. i guess u are right Ankur..... but tell me how to deal with it?

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  3. You are Fine Mam.. and carry on the way you are .. I know how you feel, NOw.. i say now because when i was in india i was not bothred but since i have come to uk , I do need this to know everyone is fine and my list is not of five but of a lot of people.. I do call everyone now and then asking .. or these days whatsapp is GREAT.. a quick whats UP :) does the trick..

    My dad was like that , he would not let me go out for long but then i can understand the reasons in those days , terrorist days and me being a young sikh boy.. and the police wanting a Star on shoulder could kill anyone for that ..

    I missed on a lot of get togethers and treks or outings because of that fear something will happen to me :)

    Take care and all the best


    Bikram

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    1. oh..it must have been terrible! thanks for the support Bikram...I hope my family doesn't start hating me for it!

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  4. Titli, such moments are there in every ones life. Atleast I am very much stricken to this habit. Every one teases me for this but it is my second self and cant give it up.

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    1. I was hoping u'd give me some suggestion on how not to rock my boat....but we seem to be sailing in it together!

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  5. Loved your article...to sum it up even i keep going through the same emotions...almost everyday..:)

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    1. and how do you deal with it without getting on ur loved ones nerves?

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  6. Ah! Well, an irrational fear IS obsession, Titli :) Though, yes, it is so easy to say that you need to set that aside and not stand in the way of your kid and so difficult to do it in your place. But, tough though it is, it probably needs doing. (Quite fine to expect understanding from people about keeping in touch, but do not let the fear get in the way of your son's talent - always assuming this piece is autobiographical)

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    1. it is? :(

      I know....my son will hate me forever if I stand in his way like this! I'm trying...

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  7. Dear Titli, I can well understand that the episode of your childhood was very traumatic, but you probably already realize that you may be stressing out your family with it. It is time for you to rationally and logically address your fear; take charge of it, so that you can move on! {{hugs}}

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    1. You are right Roshni...I might indeed be stressing out my family....It is just that I don't know how to stop letting this take charge of my life....Identifying a problem is always the first step, and that step has been taken...now for the solution...

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  8. This was a straight-from-the-heart sharing, Titli! Thanks for writing this. It takes a lot of courage in coming out with this sort of stuff. In different ways we all carry some or the other irrational fears or are over-concerned about some people, some things, aspects of our lives. Not easy to overcome those, but then we know that we must, one way or another. I am sure you too will figure out what you need to do to let go of some of those fears that could be causing some stress for your loved ones (not to mention you). Sending you good wishes, and a big hug!

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  9. Firstly, assuming this is truth and not fiction, it takes courage to share this information.

    Secondly, while you may have what you consider a logical and reasonable explanation for your behaviour, you must look at it from the other person's point of view. Your father's reaction is different from the others because he is your parent. To the others, your excessive concern could be suffocating, and, over time, this could affect the quality of your relationships with them. I think you should stop, or at least reduce substantially, the number of calls you make to check on these persons' well-being.

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  10. Good article as usual and makes one thoughtful of the people @ home when one goes out on day to day errands :)

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  11. This fear, is going to hurt them eventually. If you realize that, I think you'll be able to let go slowly.

    Destination Infinity

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  12. Hugssss, Titli. I understand, perfectly.

    Your emotional need is to ensure they are ok, but they might feel it irritating. At the same time, they might very well understand that it is your love and concern that make you do this.

    I suggest you practice the Law of Attraction here. Assure yourself that they're ok, and getting along fine. That your son is a BB in Karate, surely he can defend himself- that kind of thinking will help you a lot. Imagine his happiness when u tell him, " Amma knows you're strong enough to stand up for yourself " :D :D
    (Not being preachy, just what I thought I should tell you :) )

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At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person..deep gratitude for those who have lighted the flame within me!! your comments will be appreciated..

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