When the chips are down...

The month of March has been hellish for me (and it’s not even over!) I’ve been through an emotional roller coaster - one whose motor got switched off when I was mid air, and left me dangling upside-down high up in the air, scared of hurtling down any moment.  I have gasped for breath, literally and figuratively, and have felt the palpitations of my heart reach a crescendo before promising to fall deadly still any moment. I never have felt as beaten as I have been this entire month through.

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Sometimes, you make choices. You go wrong too. But you don’t realize the enormity of the fault in your choices until it begins to haunt you, stealing the sanity of your being, crushing you under its weight and stopping short of nothing but destroying you completely. I made one such choice. 

And it destroyed me. Almost.

As an outcome of that choice, I struggled for a long time, transitioning between sadness to anger to self-pity to depression. There were days when I cried myself to sleep. My chips were down; confidence at an all-time low. I felt pretty helpless. I hadn’t considered talking to anyone because on the outside it didn’t look like such a big issue at all. I didn’t want them to think I was imagining things or exaggerating my emotions. As days went by, I realized that I had started hurting physically too, migraines, acidity, palpitations, breathlessness and fatigue had begun to overpower my body and I was disoriented most of the time.

I couldn’t go on like this. That is when I decided to speak to someone. No matter what they thought of me later, I decided to speak and let my emotions flow.

I’m glad I did.

I confided in two of my friends and they gave me a patient hearing, comforting me, telling me I wasn’t in the wrong at all, and convincing me that everything would eventually be ok over time. Friends are called friends for a reason, I guess. They really know how to gather your chips and put it back. I haven’t been alone in my struggle ever since.

I have never been the one to share my problems with anyone - thinking that if anyone can help me solve my problems it was me. People have called me the strong one – my family, friends and sometimes even random strangers. Having been on the other side of the problem, doling out advice and lending a comforting shoulder to them, I never thought I’d need it myself someday. Perhaps, I thought I’d be able to handle any lemons that life threw at me. But sometimes…even the healer needs to be healed.

So, why am I ranting about all this here? This is for those who are struggling like me. Those who are close to breaking point but haven’t thought of asking for help. No problem is too big or small - if it’s troubling you, it needs to be addressed. Bottled up feelings and pickled emotions will do you no good. Talk to someone. It may not solve your problem, but it will give you the courage to go on. It will bring back your confidence and assure you that you aren’t alone. And most of the times, that is all it takes to jump out of that seemingly bottomless pit.