Having your cake and eating it too...

I had been meaning to lose weight.

I had also been meaning to hit the gym.

From tomorrow.

That tomorrow never came.

I know that sounds familiar! Whether it is exercising, cleaning your closet (which by the way, would have become a must-do-immediately from the can-postpone-it-for-a-few-days thing!) or writing that book you have been meaning to, somehow, things never seem to get done! So why aren’t you able to get things done?

Is your enemy ‘Procrastination’?

“Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off until the day after tomorrow what should have been done the day before yesterday”.

~ Napoleon Hill.

Aren’t we experts in putting off everything until ‘tomorrow’, or the ‘next available free time’, or ‘the minute you can get your hands off whatever you are doing at present’? Like someone said, tomorrow is that mystical land where 99% of human productivity, motivation and achievement is stored! Of course, that time never comes! 

People procrastinate for various reasons- it could be laziness, resistance (not wanting to conform to external evaluation), lack of skill or know-how, boring stuff (yeah! How much fun can cleaning your closet be?), or lack of motivation. The main reason however continues to be fear. The fear of failing even before you begin makes you delay the task indefinitely. Perhaps, perfectionism could be a reason for the fear of failure. Another reason could be not having enough confidence on your own abilities, or setting unrealistic goals for yourself.

So here's how you can have your cake and eat it too...I mean, setting goals and sticking to them...

Get over that Laziness.

“Tomorrow is the only day in the year that appeals to a lazy man!” ~ Jimmy Lyons.

Do you have goals that don’t inspire you enough? Perhaps it is time to re-set your goals then.

Is there a health concern? Aren’t getting enough sleep, or are you overworked? Adjust your schedule, then.

Do you wish you had someone to help you out? Get help!

Find out what’s behind your laziness, and in all probability there’s a solution to it. Well, if there’s no real reason except that you are plain lazy, here’s a cheat trick- use the carrot method. Place a reward for yourself at the end of the job to be done. Get on to the job immediately and reward yourself soon after. Sometimes that is the only thing that’ll work!

Who wants to do all that Boring stuff?

Lack of interest is one reason why people don’t get things done. There’s no cure to this really. But you can add something fun to go with it, just to take the load off the boring part. Cleaning the closet is boring, so play some fun music and dance along as you put things in order. You’ll be surprised to see how quickly you can function!

Are your goals unrealistic?

“When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” ~ Confucius

Most of the times we create unrealistic goals for ourselves and then the final target looks so far and unreachable that we put off doing it forever! Instead of telling yourself that you need to lose 20 kilos, and then convincing yourself that it is just not possible, break down your goals into smaller achievable ones.  Achieving smaller goals is easier and it automatically motivates you to get on with the next goal.

Get rid of that fear-

Fear of failure is one of the biggest reasons why we are unable to get things done. What if I fail is scarier than not doing it at all. What if my book is a failure? So let me not write it. I’d say, go ahead and do it. Do it for yourself.

There's no need to be perfect.
Perfectionism is another reason why we keep putting off things. If you keep waiting till everything is perfectly in order for you to begin, rest assured that will never happen. If you keep waiting to do things perfectly, that is not going to happen either. You will never be completely ready. There will never be uninterrupted time, or the right time. You have to realise that the right time is ‘Now’.

Have a 'don't care' attitude.
Judgement by others is also a reason why we keep postponing things infinitely. What will someone think will surely sink your chance to get anything done! Don’t wait for someone else’s approval, or fear judgement of others. I’m 50 and I want to learn salsa, but what will my family think? Will they laugh at me? And so you put it away from your thoughts. Do you really want to let others judgement keep you away from living your life?  

Trust yourself. 
Lack of confidence also leads to procrastination. Having faith on your abilities starts with having realistic goals and not overwhelming yourself. Knowing what you can handle will give you a clear idea of what you can do. Convince yourself that the main reason you decided to do something is because you know you can and you want to. Trust your skills. Or equip yourself with skills if you feel you lack something. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to fail.

Don’t forget that time runs out faster than you think. You will never ‘find’ time for anything, you will have to make it yourself. So don’t let unnecessary ideas and unfruitful thoughts cripple you. Make the best use of it and get moving.

Do you believe in miracles?

There’s a heart-warming story doing the rounds on the internet. It is about a little girl and her overseas benefactor. A foreign tourist travelling by train happens to spot a little girl wearing a pink bracelet, living with her family near a railway track. He manages to click a picture of the family though it is only a back shot with their faces not visible. He puts his friends on a mission to track the little girl with the intention of funding her education. In a country where more than 20% of the population are below the poverty line, and a third of them live in slums around railway tracks, finding the little girl seems quite next to impossible, doesn’t it? Nothing short of a miracle could do the impossible.

But, the miracle does happen, and the girl is tracked! Not only is her education funded by her overseas benefactor but her family is also sent aid to relocate to habitable surroundings and have a steady source of income. Incredible, isn’t it?

What were the chances that amidst the burgeoning poor population, this little girl would be spotted by the foreign tourist? What were the chances that he would decide to donate to a noble cause right then? What were the chances that he’d manage to click a picture of them that very instant from a moving train? What were the chances that she lived there and was not merely passing through the place? What were the chances of ever finding that girl again- the one in 1.25 billion? What is this, if not a miracle?

As it turns out, the girl who had been studying in class 3 had to drop out due to her financial condition. Did she send out a secret prayer asking for help? We might never know. But if she did, then her prayer sure was heard and answered.

Miracles are not meant to reaffirm your faith in God or turn an atheist into a believer. But they do make you trust in your own ability to call out to the universe for help when you desperately seek something, and believe, that in some mysterious way you might be granted what you seek. We might have read umpteen stories or witnessed events that are nothing short of a miracle. But can we believe that miracles can happen to us?

Perhaps, miracles occur more often than we’d like to acknowledge! The birth of a child is a miracle, waking up alive each morning is a miracle, in fact, every breathe we take is a miracle! But, we don’t count it as one, unless it has changed our life in some way.So go ahead in believe in miracles. You never know when one might just happen- maybe when you are least expecting it to!

Has something miraculous happened to you today? 

Book Review: The Madras Affair by Sundari Venkatraman

The Blog Tour

I have literally grown up on a staple of romantic novels, hungrily chomping on anything and everything that has love printed across it, whether in bold prints or fine! Reading ‘The Madras Affair’, I realized that I will always be a sucker for romance and that one can never be too old for it…Ever! This ooh-so-endearing book by Sundari Venkatraman had me in ‘hook-line-and-sinker’ from the word go!

Whether it was the nubile Sangita and her 'will-she-won’t-she' moments, or the sexy Gautam causing you to shamelessly salivate over his blue eyes and hot body (much to the amusement and/or suspicions of your hubby hovering around!) or the steamy scenes towards the end that almost sets your senses (and body) on fire, The Madras Affair scores on all fronts! The story is so real, the settings are so live and the characters are so believable that it is hard to stand aside and take a third person view of the story. Surprisingly, you will find yourself becoming a part of the story as it unfolds, you'd perhaps assume the form of Sangita or Gautam or any of the several other characters binding the story together.

What I also liked about the story is that it doesn’t rush you through the delicate affair; rather it takes its own pace and form- allowing the characters to guide the story forward. I also like the way the characters interact with each other and the beautiful way the author has brought them together. For instance, there’s a scene where Gautam meets Sangita’s son Sandeep for the first time. That scene is so vivid and rife with emotions that it brought tears to my eyes just reading it! There are several such delicately handled scenes that manage to make you smile, or bring a lump to your throat or create a palpable sensual excitement as you read through.

If you are die-hard romantic, this is one book you must pick, and allow yourself to curl up on the couch, on a cold winter night, covered in a warm comforter, with a hot cuppa in one hand and the book in another! Bliss!

                                                 *********************

The blurb-

Sangita Sinclair was not always this successful & passionate lady, heading the NGO “Penn Urimai” for downtrodden, abused and homeless women…

When Sangita catches the eye of Gautam Sinclair she is a simple, homely girl; utterly unaware of her charms & capabilities. She has the devil’s own time in overcoming her inhibitions, hesitation, and her family’s orthodox and outdated rules before recognizing her love for Gautam.

Will Gautam be able to solve Sangita’s Dilemma or will she be forever trapped in her past?

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Genre                 : Romance

Get your book at : amazon.com | amazon.in | amazon.uk | amazon.ca | amazon.au| Flipkart

My rating            : 4/5 

The Book Club

Through the glass wall..

She stands across the glass wall and looks out for him. Though the glass is opaque, they have always been able to see each other through it. She calls for him, softly, and then calls again, a little louder. But there’s just an eerie silence that scares her. He has always come when she called, didn’t he?  Perhaps the glass is sound-proof now. Perhaps he can no longer hear her croon. The glass was once so delicate, she thought they’d break it someday. The shards would have torn through the skin of their souls, and yet she had not been afraid. He hadn’t been afraid either.  

She reminisced about the times they would take on different roles, like characters in a book. If she’d call him 'this', he’d call her 'that'…and then, they would magically turn into these characters. They’d speak in alien tongues and mimic various personae. With him, she could be anything she wanted to be and so could he. But the best of all was, that they could be themselves in spite of the characters they donned, never having to resort to pretence. Masks sometimes have more truths hidden under them than transparent veils, don’t they?  He'd flirt a little and make her blush, he’d pull her leg, and make her laugh. She would laugh long and hard until her jaws ached, her stomach hurt and her eyes overflowed with tears! No one had ever made her laugh so much before! They had shared their joys, their triumphs and their apprehensions. They didn’t have to find solutions to problems, it was just about the sharing.

He had a way with his words, contorting them into a labyrinth, before letting them fly into a world hitherto unknown. It was under him, that she had metamorphosed from a caterpillar into a butterfly; learning to let her words wander into realms she’d never dreamt of before. If her words ever wandered away, he gently catch them and hand them back to her. But more than anything, he had made her look deep into the abyss of her soul and find that part of her which had somehow been lost.

Where was he now? Why wouldn’t he answer her call? She would never know. All that she knew was that she’d never give up.

She stood facing the glass wall for some more time. No luck. She’d have to come back again tomorrow, and perhaps yet again another day.

Are you driving your partner away?

We have all been in relationships… we sucked at some and we triumphed at some, some of them lasted for a while and some fizzled out sooner than we expected. Some of us finally found a perfect partner while some are still struggling to get a grip on things. If relationships can be summed up in one word- I’d say, they are tricky!

What is it that makes relationships tick? Why is it that some people suddenly start playing hard to get- they keep you at arm’s length, cancel your time together more often than it would seem courteous, do not bother replying to your calls, even make you wait for replies to your text messages, while you keep wondering if they are as committed as you are? Confrontations lead to fights, and you seem to drift further apart than getting closer!

And while you sit alone on your couch, phone in hand, twiddling your thumb, wide awake at 3 am in the morning, they are probably happily snoring away oblivious to your agony. Well, you’d be surprised to know you aren’t alone! You have plenty of company!

I have been on both sides of the relationship. I am guilty of having ignored some people, and I have had my fair share of being ignored too!

Being in a relationship isn’t half as fun as it is supposed to be. Especially when your partner is not as involved as you are. Here’s what I think tips the balance in most relationships-

Being too available-

Being available is good, it shows how committed you are. But by being available all the time, you have effectively proved to your partner that you aren’t going anywhere. You will be available at their beck and call, anytime THEY need you. To top that, you will readily forgive them, irrespective of what they do! You will buy any excuse they give you because you fear to lose them. And somewhere along the way, you have lost your dignity and become their slave. While you’d like to think of it as a good thing to be forgiving and caring, they probably think you have no self-worth or you are insecure. And trust me, insecurity is such a big turn off!

There was this guy, P, in college, who would always be around me, like a puppy! (Sheesh! I feel so wicked saying that!) He was good looking definitely, but I hated the way he kept tagging along wherever I went! He would offer to drop me home, pay my bill at the canteen, and even carry the books I borrowed from the library (the books used to be really heavy). But, I wished he’d leave me alone. I remember my reluctance to go out with him even if we were going out in a group, or even take his call! He wasn’t a bad person at all, and I couldn’t put a finger on what bugged me about him. On the other hand, I had a serious crush on a senior and I would keep trying to find reasons to talk to him. My heart would skip a beat when he stopped to talk to me (no, not me actually, to the entire group), and I would struggle to speak, leave alone say anything intelligent! I would keep approaching him for help, and he was quite helpful too, but we never progressed to even close friendship! Looking back, I think, he perhaps felt the same way I felt about P. Too needy!

That’s the big lesson- stop looking so needy.  Stop sucking up to people. People don’t appreciate things that come easily to them. Human nature is such that it values things that come to it after a struggle as compared to things it gets easily.

If they are not returning your calls, stop calling them. Go out with other friends. And if they suddenly make plans for the two of you when you have already made plans with your friends, have the courage to tell them so. Don’t cancel your plans, just because they badly want to go out with you. Men and women alike, respect people who make their own decisions and stand up to it.

Of course, this does not mean you have to be snooty all the time. Give only when you feel they deserve it. Give when they appreciate all that you do. Give when they give too. Giving makes relationships better and stronger and works only when it is two ways.

Being sickly sweet-

When you are in a bad mood, what do you reach out for? Do you grab a bar of chocolate and a bag of chips or do you eat a bowl of broccoli? Broccoli is a known stress buster, but would you really eat that when you are stressed? We look out for comfort food, don’t we?

 The same holds true in relationships. People are not looking for goodness all the time.  Being too sweet, too forgiving, too devoted, too caring, just scares them off. Sometimes, it is important for them to see your wicked and naughty side, allow them to woo you and ask for forgiveness before you forgive them, be wild and you’ll have them knocking at your door. It is more comforting to have someone challenge them than someone who doesn’t need to be worked upon at all.

Being a nag- 

(men don’t do this too often, yea, some do! But perhaps women would relate to this more…)

Don’t overdo the sulking parts, the crying parts and the nagging parts. You nag for every little thing, sob at every given opportunity and keep complaining. ‘Why didn’t you answer my call?’, ‘what were you doing?’, ‘do you really love me?’, ‘is football more important than me?’…you go on and on. And not knowing how to stop that, the poor guy starts pulling away from you.

A friend keeps complaining that her husband is no longer interested in her. He often goes off on weekends with his friends, not bothering to include her in his plans, and they have frequent arguments about whether he really loves her or not! Common, right?

I think, men fear and hate being trapped or sucked into an emotional whirlpool. They value their independence. Just because they enjoy football as well as being with you, doesn’t mean they have to deal with the pressure of choosing between the two each time and being bullied into making choices.

Learn to draw boundaries. Let the guy enjoy his freedom and have his space. He’ll be glad to have someone who values his choices. He’ll be glad to have someone who does not seek to control him. This is something men look for in a woman and it could influence his decision to commit to you long term.

Relationships need to be nurtured with care. Things don’t work out if one partner is more giving than the other or one person completely dominates the other. Mind games weaken relationship and unless each partner respects the other as a person and provides space to the other to grow and live independently, the affection can get very suffocating.

What do you think?